I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who helped this crazy dream become a reality, including all the Sean Keanes everywhere. The first round is on me at the long-awaited Sean Keane Konvention, still preliminarily scheduled to take place in Keansburg, New Jersey on December 21, 2012.

In conclusion, here is the #4 "Sean Keane" image search result:

The above is Dr. Dre's new commercial for Dr. Pepper. It's fine for what it is, but I think we can agree that it doesn't use Dr. Dre to his full potential. I took the liberty of writing some new treatments for Dre/Pepper commercials, most of which are quite Xplosive.

* * *

Snoop and Dre are at an outdoor barbecue in Compton. G-Funk music plays, we see ribs on the grill, and Snoop opens a large refrigerator to reveal that it's full of frosty 40-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper. Also, Warren G is there playing volleyball. He undoes this girl's top, and then Snoop and Dre blast her with bottles of Dr. Pepper. At first she's mad, but then some of the Dr. Pepper gets sprayed in her mouth, and she says, "Wow, I can taste all 23 flavors." Dre smiles and says, "Ain't nuthin' but a P thang."

* * *

Eminem is drinking a 20-ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper when Dre comes in with a letter from Eminem's biggest fan, Sam. As he reads the letter, we see flashbacks of the fan chugging Mountain Dew and suffering from cavities, then getting on a sugar high and playing extreme sports all crazy. The whole time, Dido is singing that Diet Dr. Pepper is not so bad, not so bad. Eminem writes back and tells the guy that he should switch to Dr. Pepper, while Dre nods knowingly. Eminem explains that he had a fan who drank so much Mountain Dew, he slipped into a diabetic coma and died - and his name was Sam, too. Then we realize, OH SHIT IT'S THE SAME GUY! Dre shakes his head and says, "Damn," then he and Eminem solemnly pour Dr. Pepper on the ground.

* * *

Rapper "Sleazy-E", in soda deliveryman uniform, is building a Sierra Mist display in a supermarket with a Muzak version of George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" playing in the background. Suddenly, a shadow appears over Sleazy-E and the regular song kicks in. It's Snoop and Dre! Snoop says, "Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay, Dr. Pepper's in the motherfuckin' house!" Dre knocks over the display, swinging a two-liter of Dr. Pepper like a club. Sleazy-E tries to run away, visibly wetting his pants in fear, but Snoop and Dre are too fast for him. Snoop pins his arms, and Dre forces a bottle of Dr. Pepper into his mouth, saying, "Gap teeth in your mouth, so my two-liter's got to fit." Sleazy-E struggles, but as he drinks the Dr. Pepper, his Jheri curl hairstyle softens, and his appearance morphs, and by the time the bottle is empty, it's Tupac! (played by an impostor) Tupac opens his eyes and says, "Like California - DR. PEPPER knows how to party."

* * *

Dr. Dre is sitting in his low rider, hitting the switches and activating the hydraulics. The camera pulls back to reveal that Dre is not actually on the streets, but rather in a very fancy garage. A uniformed butler walks up and brings Dre a tray, upon which sits a bowl of caviar, a Cuban cigar, and a crystal carafe full of Dr. Pepper. The servant opens the garage door to reveal that Dre's house is overlooking a white sand beach, and four more servants enter to fan Dre with palm leaves as he sips his Dr. Pepper. Dre's servant puts a match to a hundred dollar bill, and Dre uses the flaming bill to light his cigar. Then Dre says, "Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors. That's one for every million dollars I make in a month." Also you can see a really nice set of golf clubs in the back seat behind Dre.

* * *
Dr. Dre strides through a Dr. Pepper bottling plant with "Still D.R.E." playing behind him. "I'm representing for the Peppers all across the world," Dre says, slamming a lever that releases a torrent of cans. "Still hitting the taste buds with 23 flavors," he says, hopping onto a forklift. Dre opens a can of Dr. Pepper and takes a long gulp. "And I still got love for the sweets. It's the D-R-P."

* * *

(This one is a synergistic effort with the new ABC drama Flash Forward). Two FBI agents stand on an overpass, looking down at a freeway strewn with wrecked cars. Their faces show disbelief, and extreme thirst. "I've never seen such destruction," says the first agent. "You mean to tell me that for two minutes and seventeen seconds, everyone on Earth just...?"

"Forgot about Dre. Yes. And just look what happened," answers the second agent.

"Even the survivors...they're moving their lips, but nothing comes out but a bunch of gibberish."

They look behind them to see a helicopter landing. At the controls is Dr. Dre. He hops out and jogs over, arms full of Dr. Pepper bottles.

"We thought you were dead, Dre!" exclaims the first agent.

"No, I've been in a lab with a pen and a pad, trying to get these damn flavors off," Dre answers, tossing a 20-ounce bottle to each agent. They chug mightily, and sigh.

"Dre, you'll never be forgotten again," says the second agent.

"And neither will Dr. Pepper," answers Dre.

* * *

There's a crowd of hos assembled in the waiting area of the emergency room. Dre is wearing a doctor coat, a stethoscope and one of those headbands with a mirror on it. Eventually there's some line about chronic dehydration.

* * *

Dre is home watching the movie Soul Plane on a massive plasma-screen television. We see Dre's face, intercut with a montage of Snoop Dogg's performance as the captain of the Soul Plane. Dre looks offended, and progressively more disappointed and disgusted. He picks up his cell phone and calls his agent. "Tell Dr. Pepper I'll do it," he says. "There's worse ways to sell out than doing a soda commercial." Dre turns off the television and sits alone in the darkness for the next fifteen seconds. It's hard to tell for sure, but it's possible that Dre is weeping.

The whole menu is just chimichangas. Daily special? It's a chimichanga. Salads? The closest thing we have is a chimichanga with romaine lettuce inside. Appetizers? A tiny plate of chimichangas will do a lot to whet your appetite. Kids menu? 2/3-size chimichangas. Maybe they can get a burger and fries, but that burger will be wrapped in a tortilla - along with the french fries - and deep-fried. Soup? We can't really explain how, but that soup is inside the chimichanga. Sorry, trade secret, fellas. Dessert? Have you heard of the Choco Taco? Try the Baklava Chimichanga on for size. (Hint: The phyllo dough is deep-fried, and there's more refried beans than most Greek pastry chefs would use.)

But you're really depriving yourself if you don't order off of the main chimichanga menu. Here's a partial rundown of what's out there for you:

Chimi Hendrix: Served on fire. Warning: After eating the Chimi Hendrix, be careful not to choke on your own vomit.

Chimi Rollins: Leads off the menu, speeds through your digestive system.

Chimi Stewart: Filling consists of a giant chunks of rabbit, and it's garnished with Zuzu's petals. Honestly, this item might make you wish you'd never been born.

Chimi Hoffa: A fried chorizo burrito, buried under cheese, sour cream, guacamole, jalapenos, mole sauce, and three feet of concrete. Half-price for Teamsters. We will do our best to get the Chimi Hoffa into concession stands at Giants Stadium.

Lady Chimichangaga: Bizarre in appearance - some might say a little gross - but this item inexplicably enjoys massive popularity.

Chimi Crack Corn: The burrito is stuffed with undercooked corn, but sprinkled with crack, so you won't care.

Chimi Fallon: The chef keeps cracking up at his own jokes while preparing the burrito, so the end result is sloppy and unpredictable. Full of baloney. Not a smart late-night option.

Jules et Chim: Fried burrito filled with escargot, brie, and ennui.

Chimi Dean: A sausage burrito. Not to be confused with the Chimi Leans, which are filled with tofu and olestra.

Chimi Olson: Has a subservient, homoerotic relationship with the Superman chimichanga.

Chimi Breslin: Instead of being deep-fried, it's hard-boiled.

Chim Chimmenny: Bangers and mash and refried beans. Served by a waiter who does a terrible British accent.

Chimi Durante: Warning - this salsa is hot-cha-cha-cha.

A chimi joke about your mama that you might not like: She thought "nacho cheese" was cheese you stole off another diner's plate. Also, I heard she was a 'Frisco dyke.

Chimi Eat World: Item was more popular back in 2002. Only memorable part is the middle.

Chimi Chimi Cocoa Puff, Chimi Chimi Rah: Burrito goes down down baby, down down the roller coaster. Served with a biscuit - a Triscuit. Eating this will make you feel like you've been socked in the stomach three times.

Chimi hat: Much like using a condom, simply eating this condom after sex with prevent 99% of unwanted pregnancies. The tortilla has a reservoir tip.

Chim Crowichanga: Black beans are served separately.

Chimijenga: Remove just one ingredient, and the whole thing falls apart.

I will be accepting applications from investors, as well as dinner reservations, starting now. And if any Top Chef champion chefs are interested in jumping on board, you know how to reach me.

Joey Devine
Actors: Al Pacino and Anthony Hopkins
Genre: Oscar bait drama

Pitch: In Castro!, Al Pacino plays 60-year-old Fidel Castro, and Anthony Hopkins plays 70-year-old Fidel Castro. 70-year-old Castro has to travel through time to warn 60-year-old Castro about the exploding cigars that JFK sent through the space-time continuum.

Sean Keane
Actors: Tom Cruise and Antonio Banderas
Genre: Sexy movie

Pitch: Tom Cruise plays Bill Yards, a legendary pool hustler who wants to learn to dance. Antonio Banderas is Juan Momento, a Spanish salsa instructor who needs to win a billiards tournament to avoid being deported. In a series of tender scenes, Cruise teaches Banderas how to play pool, and Banderas teaches Cruise how to have anal sex. The movie is called Corner Pocket.

Julien Rodriguez
Actors: Shaquille O'Neal and Robin Williams
Genre: Buddy movie

Pitch: You Got Served 2: Tall Order
Barack "Brickfeet" Sharpton (Shaq) is a waiter by day, aspiring Chris Brown backup dancer by night. Dallas Raines (Robin Williams) is a post-op transgender man who was once a Rockette dancer in NY. He comes out of retirement to teach Sharpton the art of dance. It's basically You Got Served meets Finding Forrester meets My Giant.

Chris Thayer (had two pitches,; I can't remember the other one)
Actors: Vin Diesel and John Cusack
Genre: Romantic comedy

Pitch: Vin Diesel plays a homophobic operator, whose world is changed when he gets stuck with World Blowjob Champion John Cusack. See the sparks fly in Going Down.

Nick Stargu, AKA "DJ Real" (The Winner)
Actors: Cedric the Entertainer and That Kid From Twilight
Genre: Horror movie

Pitch: The movie opens with That Kid From Twilight sitting in an electric chair. He stares at the camera, and says, "No more Mr. Nice guy." Then gets electrocuted. The next scene has Cedric the Entertainer buying a shirt with his girlfriend, but he's sick of buying clothes. But his girlfriend is like, "Come on baby, try this one on. Another shirt won't kill you." Except, this happens to be the same shirt that That Kid From Twilight wore when he was executed. And it will kill him. So the whole movie is him fighting this killer shirt. It's called, Clothes Call.

Louise: I like the idea of randomly buying rhyming domain names
Louise: turdherd.com
Louise: butterclutter.com
Louise: germfirm.com
Sean: turdherd.com is available
Sean: I might buy it for Omar
Sean: germfirm.com is taken
Sean: butterclutter, also available
Louise: So great!
Louise: This is a fun game
Louise: mouseblouse.com
Sean: dreamcream.com
Louise: toastboast.com
Sean: Mouseblouse.com was purchased in October of 2006
Louise: Amazing
Sean: This makes me want to write a movie called "Turd Herd"
Sean: Just so it wouldn't have to be turdherd-themovie.com
Sean: Dream Dream is an actual product
Sean: That increases a woman's sexual stimulation
Sean: At last!
Sean: "Uses amino acids to improve the frequency and intensity of orgasms."
Sean: Also, Dream Cream's manufacturers claim it is "discreet"
Sean: I guess, you could apply it on the bus or something?
Louise: I wonder if every possible rhyme with "blog" is taken?
Louise: fogblog.com
Louise: dogblog.com
Louise: hogblog.com
Louise: Oh weird
Louise: pogblog.com
Louise: Teen youth group site
Sean: Whoa dude
Sean: Pogs are the devil
Louise: So great that once upon a time
Louise: Some super cheeseball youth minister was like, "How are we going to get the kids excited about this website?"
Louise: "I hear they are into the pogs"
Sean: You know when that crazy youth minister had that brainstorm?
Sean: November of 2007
Louise: HAHAHAHA
Sean: Fogblog is owned by a guy who lives on in SF
Louise: We should go grafitti his house
Louise: To try to bully him into giving up fogblog
Louise: FOGBLOG GO HOME
Sean: FOGBLOG UNFAIR
Sean: FACESPACE > FOGBLOG
Louise: Make love not fogblog
Louise: grogblog.com
Louise: Also owned
Sean: Australian-owned
Louise: Yes!
Sean: An excerpt from vlogblog.com
Sean: "Vlogging has arrived. Of course vlogging has arrived. But it struck me again how much it has arrived when I saw the video ad above from AOL News.
It occured to me that our popular culture reference points for this time in history will be vlogs as much as anything else. Surely they won't be the types of things that reference other eras -- American Bandstand outtakes, Saturday Night Live skits, or clips from MTV's The Real World."
Sean: "User-generated video. That's our time. It is officially the Vlog Era."
Sean: Filed on February 29th of 2008
Louise: This guy has put a lot of faith in vlogs
Sean: That is the third-to-last post
Louise: He died of starvation in his house
Louise: Waiting for the vlog revolution to arrive
Sean: Apparently, the vlog blog era officially ended 18 months ago
Sean: Keeps uploading his grocery requests to youtube
Sean: Stubbornly refusing to call 911

(I'll try to release this in vlog form soon.)

Here's what you say whenever someone gives you crap about George Bush, or being an American:

"You know, I could come back with some harsh, sweeping generalizations about you and people from your country just because of who your president is, but since I'm American, I don't know who your president, or prime minister, or chief voodoo emperor is, and I am never going to take the time to find out. Now please bring me some salty snacks and show me where the television is."

Argument over, "Baywatch" starting. Here are some gift ideas for the president:

1. Cigarettes
2. Bud Light
3. A nice card
4. Lipstick...for pigs! (in your FACE Sarah Palin!)
5. Bipartisan consensus on health care reform
6. Sleepwear with his initials on it, labeled "Barack Po'jamas"
7. Some candlesticks or a nice PRODUCE THE REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE YOU INDONESIAN-BORN IMPOSTOR!!!

Free service for acting students of Sarantos Studios in Chicago performing material for viewing by casting directors of student films and low budget feature films.
1-708-848-1100

WILLIAM MA.

TODD LA RUE.

DEE CHAPMAN.

CHRISTOPHER MIDKIFF does a monologue from "Heat".

Harold Dennis does "Training Day".

More, so much more, on the Sarantos Studios channel.

The first really solid realization of this concept came in March, when I did "Sean In 60 Seconds". The opening of the show featured me as Nicolas Cage, decoding coded messages about hair plugs, Lisa Marie Presley, and the perils of naming your son after Superman. Eventually, "Nicolas" showed his own self-produced blockbuster action movie, entitled "Gone In 60 Seconds 2: Book of Secrets", which I now present to you, gentle Zembla reader.

Gone In 60 Seconds 2: Book of Secrets from Sean Keane on Vimeo.

As always, you can see shorter entries, scrapier posts, and more blatant self-promotion at Sean Keane Comedy Dot Com. My sports blogging has been primarily shifted over to SportsCentr, but you can read my thoughts, insights, and personal insults to Ben Wallace over at NBA Playoffs 2009. Also, here's my infrequently updated Twitter feed: LLCoolS. (That stands for "Ladies Love Cool Sean", obviously).

FAQ

When do new episodes come out?

New episodes will generally come out on Mondays, on a semi-weekly basis.

Where else can I find these hilarious videos?

Visit elevator2space.com, and on the Vimeo channel.

What, was elevatortospace.com taken?

Yes.

Who are your collaborators?

Chris Garcia, Louis Katz, and Alex Koll. Music by DJ Real.

Is this a scientifically-accurate depiction of what a space elevator would really be like?

Yes.

What can I look forward to in the future from this series?

We have 20+ episodes in the can so far, and I think we all agree that they get progressively stronger/funnier, as the acting and concepts both improve significantly. However, the funniest moment so far is me getting hurt accidentally.

Sean, will future episodes also feature you getting hurt on purpose?

Yes. Enjoy!

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

Episode 3:

* * *

Cameron: You don't understand. My dad loves this pedometer more than life itself. Ferris, he never even walks with it strapped to his hip! He just goes to the gym and rubs it with a diaper.
Ferris: I just want to count our steps today.
Cameron: Ferris, he keeps very close track of the total.
Ferris: Look, whatever mileage we put on we'll take off.
Cameron: How?
Ferris: We'll walk home backwards.

* * *

Maitre'd: Can I help you?
Ferris: You can sure as hell try. I'm Abe Froman.
Maitre'd: You're Abe Froman? The Sausage King of Chicago?
Ferris: Yes, that's me.
Maitre'd: Your Jamba Juice is ready. Razzmatazz with a protein boost, right?

* * *

Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a synthetic cubic zirconia.

* * *

Sloane: Hey, it's Von Steuben Day. Want to go to the parade?
Ferris: Nope.
Cameron: Me neither.
Ferris: Let's sit quietly and enjoy an unlicensed Muzak recording of "Twist and Shout" instead.

* * *

Ferris: Cameron, I'm sorry. Walking backwards with the pedometer on a treadmill isn't taking any of the mileage off.
Cameron: No, forget it. I've got to take a stand. My dad pushes me around. I NEVER SAY ANYTHING. Who do you love? You love a pedometer!

(Cameron drops the pedometer onto the treadmill. It flies back into the wall, and shatters.)

Cameron: What did I do?
Ferris: You killed the pedometer.

This prank couldn't have gone better if it were choreographed. Unlike the Yankee Prankee, which took place in front of 50,000 unaware fans, this one has a live audience of 18,000 who are all laughing at Amir. Streeter also convinces Amir's friend to help betray him, rubbing more salt into the pranky wound.

I hope it doesn't come to this, but the way things are going, the next prank is going to have to involve Streeter being framed for a murder he didn't commit.

And it's not just The John Francis. Today I lunched with a group of people, and - not surprisingly - I ended up chatting it up with the auburn-haired girl in the group. Later, I discussed my findings with another redhead who'd been at the lunch.

Sean: I knew she would talk to me
Sean: Redheads are irresistibly drawn to Sean Keane
Sean: I think it's my complexion
Sean: They know they have a friend in me
Emily: Could be
Sean: There's a good chance I have an SPF 45 sunscreen on me if there's an emergency
Sean: And I know at least four ways to cook potatoes
Emily: She's not a natural redhead
Emily: So there go your theories
Sean: Fake redheads like me even more
Sean: Because they've consciously chosen the lifestyle.

My summer Belizean travel companion, the lovely Doctor Rachael, also had red hair, albeit of the natural variety. I believe the attraction was slightly different for her, as Rachael carried large amounts of her own high-SPF sunscreen. She saw my sister and me at the bus station, and her caregiver instincts kicked in - "I need to make sure that these two people don't get skin cancer."

Soon we were riding in the same old tricked-out American school bus blasting Bob Marley classics, and were the best of friends. Given my ruddy cheeks and general coloring, I don't believe it was an accident that we arrived in Belize during Lobsterfest.

I didn't know this until recently, but redheads, or "gingers", are actually quite stigmatized in the UK. Perhaps this explains the undeserved mockery that Ron Weasley received at Hogwarts, or perhaps most English schoolchildren are Slytherins.

Thankfully, there's a Ginger Beauty Exhibition in Wolverhampton that might help slow the anti-gingerist tide abroad. Over here, I am going to take it upon myself to minister to the downtrodden carrot tops among us. I'm not just an Irish Whisperer; I'm doing legitimate outreach work.

I imagine the descendants of Washington attending the ribbon-cutting ceremony and getting choked up.

"George would have loved that off-ramp."
"They chopped down an entire orchard of cherry trees to clear space for this overpass."
"Once when George's wooden teeth broke, they were replaced by a set made out of asphalt. So this is perfect"

Contrary to what you might expect, the George Washington Memorial Parkway does not cross the Delaware.

The George Washington Parkway has some notable features. The Articles of Confederation are the supreme law of the road from Leesburg Pike to Bailey's Crossroads. The Bott's Dots are made out of wood, not plastic. And drivers are honest when they get pulled over:

"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Officer, I cannot tell a lie. 77 in a 65 zone. Also, there's weed in the glove box."

Doesn't Washington have enough stuff already? On my trip to the East Coast, I saw the George Washington Bridge, George Washington University, the Washington Monument, the George Washington Memorial Parkway and got a handful of dollar coins, on which George Washington had replaced Sacagawea. True, the dollar coin is the most infuriating coin that exists, but does Washington really need to be pictured on a second coin, when he's also on the dollar bill?

Who should be on the dollar coin instead? Sacagawea or good ol' Susan B. would be fine, but I'd be happy with:

1. Someone who's not already on a different coin.
2. Someone who didn't own a whole bunch of slaves.

Is that so much to ask? (Yes.)

Maybe I am underestimating the power of the George Washington lobby inside the Beltway. I did find it suspicious that Congress authorized a $5 million bailout for the powdered wig industry. However, there's a provision that, should they violate willingly or knowingly the injunctions attached to said bailout, they will be subject to the upbraidings of all who are now witnesses of the present solemn ceremony. So that's something.

Sean: Taxonomically, is a groundhog extremely different from a hedgehog?
Louise: Hmm
Louise: Taxonomically speaking
Sean: I feel like those names came from some dude spotting one of those animals once
Sean: With questionable accuracy
Sean: "I don't know, Linnaeus. you also called that thing a hog"
Sean: "I don't trust your observational skills"
Louise: I like that tactic of labeling things just based on what you saw them come out of
Sean: Yes, and then being too proud/embarrassed to revise anything
Sean: Interesting note: a groundhog and a woodchuck are the same creature
Louise: I just saw that too!
Louise: And the "land pig"
Louise: Didn't catch on as well as groundhog
Louise: I'm going to start calling hedgehogs "bush pigs"
Sean: Our agrarian human ancestors simply weren't very open-minded
Sean: Zoology was a total mystery
Sean: Unless everything could be compared to an existing farm animal
Sean: Manatee? Sea cow

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Louise: I blame some other language
Louise: Like French maybe
Louise: Languages where they don't create new words for new things
Louise: The French for potato is still "apple of the earth"
Sean: Groundhogs are also squirrels
Louise: Ew
Louise: That really creeps me out for some reason
Louise: That groundhogs are enormously fat squirrels
Sean: Squirrels are gross animals
Louise: Squirrels: Groundhogs :: Humans: Humans in WALL-E

Sean: Groundhogs are one of the rare animals that have benefited from human encroachment onto nature
Sean: They're not tough enough to live in a forest
Louise: Geez, groundhogs suck!
Sean: There's a lot of references to how groundhogs are TRUE hibernators
Sean: I guess they reach a level of laziness and inactivity that is unsurpassed in the animal kingdom
Louise: And stupidity
Louise: They are scared of their own shadows
Sean: You know, we are treating Groundhog Day like people in Berkeley treat Columbus Day