The national media calls John McCain a maverick. His running mate refers to him as "the maverick" of the Senate. McCain even calls himself a maverick. But as Wikipedia shows, there are many different mavericks out there. Which of these types of maverick is most like John McCain? Let's find out!
- McCain has been a perennial contender, but always seems to fall short of the ultimate prize.
- He’s historically had trouble getting past opponents from Texas.
- Just like Dallas in the 2006 Finals, McCain is having trouble against a dynamic young black man with an oddly-spelled name.
- McCain does best when he’s attacking on offense; he has trouble when he has to defend his record, his decisions, or an opponent that can shoot the three.
- He’s relying heavily on an old point guard to revitalize his team, but they're a little bit slow.
Maverickosity: 9/10
An unbranded calf, cow, or steer: This is the strict dictionary definition, but since when does John McCain stick to the conventional answer? His running mate hates librarians, so McCain doesn't need a nerd book to define himself. Besides, a maverick is often a "motherless calf", and I've always considered John McCain to be a son of a bitch.
Maverickosity: 3/10
Samuel Maverick: Samuel Maverick was imprisoned by a foreign government, as was John McCain. Both men held elected office in the Southwest. Samuel Maverick voted for Texas's secession from the Union; John McCain opposed making Martin Luther King Day a holiday.
Perhaps the best comparison is Samuel Maverick's refusal to brand his animals. He claimed to be an unconventional rancher who didn't want to hurt the animals, but other ranchers argued that the move "allowed him to collect any unbranded cattle and claim them as his own." That's what being a maverick is about: pretending to buck the system for personal enrichment.
Maverickosity: 9/10
Maury Maverick: Maury was a US Congressman and former war hero. Like McCain, he received the Purple Heart. Maury is most famous for coining the phrase "gobbledygook", to refer to incomprehensible and garbled language. This fits, because it is often difficult to understand what John McCain is saying. Also, McCain calls Vietnamese people "gooks".
Maverickosity: 8/10
(Bonus: Top Three John McCain 80s Television Shows or Board Games or Rudyard Kipling Stories)
Maverick cigarettes: John McCain would be our oldest inaugurated president, and Maverick cigarettes are made by America's oldest tobacco company.
They've been around forever, no one likes them very much, and they leave a bad taste in your mouth. Mavericks are only tolerable if one's other choices are even worse, like Pall Malls or Mitt Romney. It's essentially a pile of ashes, held together by flimsy packaging, much like John McCain's campaign.
Neither is good for your health: Mavericks will give you cancer, while John McCain wants to tax your employed-provided health care benefits.
Maverickosity: 7/10
Maverick, the Movie: Mel Gibson has the same politics and fundamentalist Christian beliefs as Sarah Palin. Both Maverick and McCain like to bone rich white ladies with fancy clothes. Bret Maverick gambled in a $500,000 poker tournament; John McCain gambled on sabotaging a $700 billion Wall Street bailout. Also, John McCain was totally alive back in the Old West days.
Maverickosity: 6/10
Ford Maverick: Much like McCain and his presidential campaign this week, Ford suspended production of this vehicle once the Maverick became unpopular. It's fitting that McCain's nickname would refer to a discontinued type of Ford, since he prefers foreign-made automobiles.
Maverickosity: 4/10
Nerf N-Strike Maverick: Hasbro says: "The MAVERICK blaster features a six-dart rotating barrel with easy flip loading so you don’t have to waste any time while blasting enemy targets!" That's right! Six darts means you can shoot at Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Russia, Afghanistan, and polar bears without wasting any time. That's the Maverick promise.
A cautionary note: "Always know your play environment. If the conditions are severe, please exercise caution."
Maverickosity: 5/10
Maverick from Top Gun: Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and John "Maverick" McCain both crashed their fighter planes in spectacular fashion. Both of their fathers were in the military. If Maverick screws up, he'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong. If McCain screws up, he'll keep living in Arizona, which is slightly worse.
Maverickosity: 6/10 (because it's difficult and horrifying to imagine McCain playing beach volleyball shirtless)
Maverick Records: Madonna's former record label, before she was bought out by Warner Brothers. Cindy McCain is a Material Girl? The choice of Sarah Palin for VP was Borderline? Papa Don't Preach, Bristol's keeping her baby? McCain voted against the MLK Holiday?
Maverickosity: 2/10
Maverick framework: A Model-view-controller framework for web publishing in Java. John McCain doesn't use computers.
Maverickosity: 0/10
Below is a wonderful short film called, "Manoj", made by Hari Kondabalu, about an up-and-coming Indian standup comic named Manoj. I posted this at my other site, but it's so good, I want as many people to see it as possible.
(Naked self-hype: I will be performing with Hari on October 18th, at an event called Laugh Out the Vote.)
MANOJ from Zia Mohajerjasbi on Vimeo.
People often tell me, "Sean, I love your writing. And somehow your standup comedy is even more entertaining than your blog. Would you ever consider lending your brilliance to a sketch comedy group?" Well, hypothetical Sean Keane, fan, the answer is yes. There's only two words you need to know: Frown and Land.
Frown Land, San Francisco's hottest sketch sensation, premieres "The Happiness Show", on Friday, October 10th, at the Dark Room. Showtime is 10 PM, and admission is $5. With its combination of sketch, theater, and short films, Frown Land is prepared to shake up the San Francisco comedy scene like an autistic child jiggling a snow globe.
"The Happiness Show" also features standup comedy from Alex Koll (Boomtime, SF Air Guitar Champion), Caitlin Gill (The Ladies Room), and Donny Divanian (Tennis coach).
Frown Land is comprised of veteran comedians Joey Devine (Your Name Here), Sean Keane (Heuristic Squelch Comedy Experience), and Kevin O'Shea (Blah Blah Blah). Above all, Frown Land is dedicated to making America smile.
GIBSON: And you didn't say to yourself, "Am I experienced enough? Am I ready? Do I know enough about international affairs? Do I -- will I feel comfortable enough on the national stage to do this?"
PALIN: I didn't hesitate, no.
GIBSON: Didn't that take some hubris?
PALIN: I -- I answered him yes because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can't blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we're on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can't blink.
So I didn't blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.
Sarah Palin: not gonna blink. But what about her running mate, John McCain, an accused blink-a-holic? The man blinks like a cheap set of miniature Christmas lights. He's like Winken, Blinken, and Nod, rolled into one wrinkly, blinkly package. Cue up some Blink-182, crack open a Malcolm Gladwell book about intuition and count the blinks in these clips:
We already knew that John McCain was irascible, but I'm surprised to learn that even tiny invisible particles in the air severely irritate him.
Maybe Sarah Palin was indeed chosen to balance the ticket, but not because of gender or ideology. No, when you have a blinktastic maverick like McCain on the ticket, you need a clear-eyed, glasses-wearing, fervently anti-blink running mate. Because let's face it: between all his blinking, and the inevitable afternoon naps, there's got to be someone in the executive branch with their eyes open.
Many people have analyzed the speeches by Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, and Mike Huckabee from last night at the Republican National Convention. Here at Zembla, we are focusing on more important matters: namely, the state-by-state roll call vote. Enjoy the real-time observations of the awkward, tedious, and anticlimactic action after the jump.
MORE...Gallo
The primary beer of Guatemala, Gallo beer labels peel off incredibly easily, as if they're affixed to the bottle with nothing more than the sweat from a worker's brow. What this means is that a Gallo beer is the Hindu untouchable of the beer world. Its existence is currently pretty bad, but there's a good chance it's going to come back around again - maybe this time as a Brazha.
It can't be a coincidence that Gallo is both crappy Guatemalan beer and crappy Californian wine. I've also bought both, when using cheapness as determinant.
Belikin
The primary beer of Belize, this tastes significantly better than Gallo - but it's still not great. You can get regular Belikin, Belikin Stout, and though I never personally saw it, there's also a Belikin Supreme. If you initially mishear the name, and you are a nerd like me, there's a moment where you have some Rime of the Ancient Mariner flashbacks. "Pelican beer? Well, I guess the Wedding Guest drank the blood of an albatross...and I AM pretty thirsty..."
Drinks of Caye Caulker
See exhaustive analysis at Sean Keane Comedy.
Rum Punch
A dangerous, dangerous drink, especially when you've been snorkeling for hours, and your only nourishment prior to drinking was a small fish sandwich and some saltines, and a snorkeling guide named Rasta Man is urging you to drink more, and refilling the pitcher every fifteen minutes. Beware.
Cubetazos
There is a tradition in the Keane family where anyone who visits Molly and Roberto in Guatemala must also drink buckets of beer (AKA, cubetazos) with them. In addition, they must pose for a photo wearing the empty cubetazo around their neck. But what happens when someone's head is too freakishly large for a cubetazo necklace?
It is a fact that Irish people of all shapes and sizes love Sean Keane. They see themselves in me, and are drawn to my pink cheeks and extensive knowledge of the James Joyce canon. Last night, after I talked to a red-haired girl, on the heels of meeting two tourists from Galway a few days earlier, my friend dubbed me "The Irish Whisperer".
Coincidentally, that's also the title of my just-completed romance novel. "The Irish Whisperer" is the story of a quiet man with an uncanny ability to soothe and communicate with traumatized, boozy Irishwomen, and contains many metaphors involving leprechauns. Here's is an excerpt:
"As Seamus stepped out of the water, Maggie stared, and drank him in like a tall pint of Guiness. His muscular, freckled chest. His powerful biceps, ringed with farmer tan, above his strong, pink, sunburned forearms. She could barely hear the notes of 'With or Without You' on the radio, over the pounding of her heart.
"Maggie gasped as his hand reached past her, fingers lightly brushing her neck, then grabbed a still-smoldering baked potato from the grill behind her. Seamus bit into it, chunks of steaming potato falling from his mouth onto his wispy red chest hair and said, 'You got any Irish in you?'
"Without waiting for an answer, he growled, 'Do you want some?'"