unrealized humorous concepts, fall of 1997


Presented here unedited from their original notebook form:

Jurassic Park Parody: Scientists clone Jesus, put him in amusement park. He goes nuts, starts eating people.

Jerry Springer Show Topic: "I'm the World Ultimate Fighting Champion, I have a black belt in karate, and I'm confronting my wife's lover."

Steven Spielberg's Amishstad

Socratic Method Acting: Getting into character through the use of a dialogue with... yourself. Basically, it's De Niro at a mirror yelling, "You talkin' to me?"

A fat guy and a girl in a bikini play hacky-sack together.

Superhero: The hero leads a decadent, morally impure lifestyle, and gains power with each new sin. At a moment of weakness, he can attain strength by smoking a cigarette, or masturbating.

Weird Al's Ghostwriters: A biography of the really weird-looking parody songwriters who sell material to Weird Al, including stuff too "cutting-edge" for Al, like an Eric Clapton parody song called "Dead Kids in Heaven."

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Raincoat (?)

The ASNEM Convention: For dyslexics with an IQ above 140.

"Making spaghetti": New euphemism for masturbation.

Attempting to get people we know to refer to Cotati as "The Cotati that rocks the body."

Fake Paul McCartney song called "El Nino":

The rain goes drippety-drip
The drains go glubbety-glub
My heart goes flippety-flip
'Cause I'm in love

Rain Man II: Two doughnuts fall out of a box. Waitress goes to pick them up.

CHARLIE: Wait! How many doughnuts, Ray?

RAY: (quickly) Two.

WAITRESS and CHARLIE count. For a while.

CHARLIE: How many doughnuts did you sell us?


CHARLIE: And how many did we eat?


CHARLIE: Nice try, Ray. There's three. Twelve minus nine is three, see. (points to first doughnut) One. (points to second doughnut) Two. (points to first doughnut again) Three.

WAITRESS: Wait! There's one doughnut left in the box!

(They stare at RAY in amazement. CHARLIE recounts the doughnuts.)

Wilt Chamberlin's "40,000 Lines about 20,00 Women"

Theoretical Mathematicians: They walk around campus discussing the TV show Perfect Strangers. Colleagues invite them places, bums ask for change, and their response is always some variant on, "No, I don't think that's statistically probable!" They make fun of Euclid a lot. One of them wears a t-shirt with Mark Linn-Baker's face on it.

Einstein!: It's a sitcom about Einstein. The concept is pretty much the same as Mr. Belvedere. Einstein works as a butler. He's a good butler, but he's not supposed to help the kids with science projects or their physics homework. Unfortunately, he can't resist nachos!

Suggested catchphrases:
"Mmm, I love nachos!"
"No, I really muzt not solve ze equation for you because eet would be... did you say jalapenos?"

Beginning every question with: "Not to be redundant, but..." or "In your heart of hearts..."


>The rain goes drippety-drip
>The drains go glubbety-glub
>My heart goes flippety-flip
>'Cause I'm in love

oh this is simply fantastic.

what do you think sir paul would have to say about current events today? like the sniper* or bombing iraq?

* yeah i'm behind on news. however, so are my peruvian friends. a kid asked me if they caught the sniper, and wasn't it saddam hussein? he was only 13, but i'm half-expecting to hear the same question from every adult i meet. it'll happen.

getting petrol
and fiddling with my windshield wipers
hear a pop
down i drop
could it be the sniper?

from DC
and moving down across virginia
you've been shooting
you've been looting
who knew you had it in ya?

sniper, silly sniper
rifle pointed out the trunk
sniper, silly sniper
best watch out or you'll be sunk
oh, honey, watch out or you're gonna be sunk!

>oh, honey, watch out or you're gonna be sunk!

oh god it hurts make it stop i love you

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on December 15, 2002 2:06 AM.

some dreams i had during late december/early january 1998/99 was the previous entry in this blog.

an open letter to the guy standing behind me at the ben folds concert, warfield theatre, 11/15/02 is the next entry in this blog.

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