March 2009 Archives

Scenes From Classic 80's Films, If Their Budgets Had Been Drastically Cut
Part One: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

* * *

Cameron: You don't understand. My dad loves this pedometer more than life itself. Ferris, he never even walks with it strapped to his hip! He just goes to the gym and rubs it with a diaper.
Ferris: I just want to count our steps today.
Cameron: Ferris, he keeps very close track of the total.
Ferris: Look, whatever mileage we put on we'll take off.
Cameron: How?
Ferris: We'll walk home backwards.

* * *

Maitre'd: Can I help you?
Ferris: You can sure as hell try. I'm Abe Froman.
Maitre'd: You're Abe Froman? The Sausage King of Chicago?
Ferris: Yes, that's me.
Maitre'd: Your Jamba Juice is ready. Razzmatazz with a protein boost, right?

* * *

Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a synthetic cubic zirconia.

* * *

Sloane: Hey, it's Von Steuben Day. Want to go to the parade?
Ferris: Nope.
Cameron: Me neither.
Ferris: Let's sit quietly and enjoy an unlicensed Muzak recording of "Twist and Shout" instead.

* * *

Ferris: Cameron, I'm sorry. Walking backwards with the pedometer on a treadmill isn't taking any of the mileage off.
Cameron: No, forget it. I've got to take a stand. My dad pushes me around. I NEVER SAY ANYTHING. Who do you love? You love a pedometer!

(Cameron drops the pedometer onto the treadmill. It flies back into the wall, and shatters.)

Cameron: What did I do?
Ferris: You killed the pedometer.

After an 18-month hiatus, the Streeter-Amir prank war resumes with another sports-themed prank. Amir gets the opportunity to sink a blindfolded half-court shot for $500,000 - will he succeed?

This prank couldn't have gone better if it were choreographed. Unlike the Yankee Prankee, which took place in front of 50,000 unaware fans, this one has a live audience of 18,000 who are all laughing at Amir. Streeter also convinces Amir's friend to help betray him, rubbing more salt into the pranky wound.

I hope it doesn't come to this, but the way things are going, the next prank is going to have to involve Streeter being framed for a murder he didn't commit.