July 2008 Archives

When I arrived in Guatemala City, I went straight to the orphanage where my sister works. They have about 250 kids there, but Molly normally works with the bebes; kids six and under. I was excited to meet them, both because they look adorable in Molly's photos and because their level of Spanish proficiency would be closest to mine.

For my first day, I wore an authentic Guatemalan shirt that Molly had bought in Antigua. It has a picture of a smiling clown on the front, and is labeled "Payasos" (Clowns, en ingles). The huérfanos really liked the shirt, which let me show off my conversational skills.

Me: Hola, Ana. Yo soy el hermano de Molly.
Ana: (points at shirt) Payasos.
Me: ¡Sí! ¡Payasos! ¡Muy bien! ¡Payasos!
Ana: Payasos.
Me: Sí. ¡Muy bien!
Ana:
Me: ¡Soy el hermano de Molly!
Ana: (walks away)

I had prepared for certain vocabulary words that were sure to come up. I don't believe "¡Yo tengo tu nariz!" (Got your nose!) is a game in Guatemala, but the concept translates. They laugh, reassured, when they realize that their nariz is still there, and I laugh, reassured, when I realize that I can lie to children as a second language. The photo shows an orphan named Maribel "escalando la montaña", or climbing up the mountain.

It wasn't until my last day in Guatemala that I learned that "Payasos" is a brand of cigarettes in Guatemala. My shirt featured Guatemala's version of Joe Camel; a cute cartoon mascot who appeals to young people. I spent all day giving out hugs and high-fives to any orphan who said "Payasos" to me, and telling impressionable children that Payasos were very good. All of these adorable children who went crazy for the shirt are going to grow up to be chain smokers, and it's all my fault.

I just hope they don't try to take each other's noses.

There's a new giant billboard for a Kevin Costner film right at the 80/101 interchange in SF, the same spot I saw the legendary poster for the Costner-Kutcher Coast Guard buddy movie The Guardian. This must be a prime spot for Costner advertising, probably because bumper-to-bumper traffic reminds people of The Postman.

I try to keep abreast of all the latest Costnerian developments. I own (and am right now wearing) a t-shirt for Costner's band, Modern West. I re-watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves last month, and recognized my overgrown hairstyle in Costner's mullety wig. So I was excited to learn there was a new addition to the Costner canon.

[Digression: Much has been written about Costner's wretched British accent from that movie, but a fresh look at the film reveals that Christian Slater's accent is even worse. He sounds like he's doing an impression of Jack Nicholson doing an impression of Costner's bad accent, only about two octaves higher. My theory is that the producers cast Slater once they realized how bad Costner's accent was, in order to distract the audience. This also explains the casting of Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker's Dracula (to distract from Winona Ryder's accent), and Cameron Diaz in Gangs of New York (to deflect attention from DiCaprio's terrible brogue.]

The title "Swing Vote" led me to believe that this movie was going to feature Costner as a baseball player. I think America is eager for Costner to play an athlete again, even though he's 53. Instead, this movie is about a presidential election. Here's the synopsis:

Kevin Costner stars as Bud Johnson, an apathetic, beer slinging, lovable loser, who is coasting through a life that has passed him by, except for the one bright spot in his mundane existence, his precocious, over achieving twelve-year old daughter, Molly. She takes care of them both, until one mischievous moment on Election Day, when she accidentally sets off a chain of events which culminates in the presidential election coming down to one vote, her dads.

Suddenly, Bud Johnson, the nobody, becomes the voice for everybody when the world realizes that his vote will be the one that elects the next president. Politicians invade the small town of Texico, New Mexico and its unwitting inhabitants, waging war for Bud's vote.

So disappointing. Costner isn't a baseball player, Bill Maher makes an appearance as himself, and worst of all, Kelsey Grammer plays the president. I have an unnatural dislike for Grammer when he's not playing Frasier Crane or Sideshow Bob. My sisters don't like him either. Here's a conversation I had with my sister Molly about Grammer:

Sean: What has Kelsey Grammer been doing since Frasier went off the air?
Molly: Um, cocaine?

The only good thing about this premise is the potential for punny headlines for negative reviews:

Swing...and a Miss for Costner
America votes "No" on "Swing Vote"
I'd Rather Swing From a Noose Than Watch This Movie Again

Swing Vote opens on August 1, in theaters everywhere.

(composed four days into the trip)

Days since I have eaten a vegetable (if you don't count tomatoes): 4
Mustaches on display at the Oceanside Nightclub in Caye Caulker on "Ladies Night": 3
Number of consecutive Kenny Rogers songs played during Ladies Night: 3
Number of braid salons on Caye Caulker: 4
Percentage of televisions at Oceanside showing SportsCenter: 75
Percentage of televisions at Oceanside showing Adult Swim: 25
People shown on TV who looked like they'd fit right in at Oceanside: 2 (Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Stuart Scott)
Our slot machine winnings, in Belizean dollars: $12
Conversion rate, Belizean dollars: US dollars: 2:1
Number of beers that 12 BZ buys: 2
Number of different golf carts full of adults that hollered at a group of ice-cream-eating fourteen-year-old girls walking down the street in Caye Caulker: 3
Percentage of those hollerers inquiring about ice cream: 33%
Total boxes of saltine crackers used by my sister Molly to make snacks: 6
Times I have heard Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds": 8
Times I have worried about a thing: 0
Percentage of the time that every little thing has been alright: 100
Crabs we captured outside our beach house: 12
Number of edible crabs among those 12: 0
Mosquito bites suffered in Central America, to date: 1,492
Isn't that ironic?: Yes