To protect their anonymity, I have assigned pseudonyms to my former roommates

"Mack": People at work talk about the houses they're buying or looking at, but they only ever talk about the square footage, just reciting statistics. I notice things like wood, structural things. Not - if you took this house, and removed all the furniture, and all the walls, how much area would you have.

"Dean": This is my girlfriend. She displaces 11.8 liters of water.

"Mack" I guess it's just assumed that every house has grey carpet, white walls, and a big garage. Maybe I'm alone in this.

Sean: (extending arms) My new house holds *this* much popcorn.

Updating a previous item, Marco Scutaro yesterday produced the walk-off, game-winning single in Oakland's 5-4 victory over Cleveland. Amazingly, this is his fourth such hit on a Two Dolla Wednesday since joining the A's in 2004, which has to be a record. Zembla salutes Marco Scutaro, baseball's true low-price leader. Pour yourself a root beer float, Slugger, you've earned it.

STUNT DRIVER

"Professional driver? Closed course? Do not try? I think I could totally do that move through the mud in my truck. In fact, I totally have done that before. Get in the car, I'll fucking show you that move."

PART OF THIS BALANCED BREAKFAST

"I think Honey Nut Cheerios spans the food pyramid just fine all by itself."

HE'S LYING

"I don't care what that says. I don't care. I totally trust Joe Isuzu."

PRICES AND TERMS MAY VARY

"This car costs exactly the same at any dealership in the country. I will fucking guarantee that. Every auto loan is no money down, every lease is for 18 months, and the interest rate will never ever change."

IF SIDE EFFECTS PERSIST, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR

"Actually, I don't think this three-day erection is any of your goddamn business, OK, Johns Hopkins?"

* * *

Self-promotion alert! See The John Francis & Impostors at Edinburgh Castle this Thursday, July 28, along with We Be The Echo and Olympian. Hosting duties for the show will be assumed by yours truly, because nothing gets a rock-and-roll crowd going like observational humor and endearing stories about children with speech impediments.

Edinburgh Castle is at 950 Geary Street, between Larkin and Polk. The show kicks off just after 9 PM, but prime couch space will be snatched up far earlier. Come for the laughter, stay for the rock. And the booze.