STUNT DRIVER

"Professional driver? Closed course? Do not try? I think I could totally do that move through the mud in my truck. In fact, I totally have done that before. Get in the car, I'll fucking show you that move."

PART OF THIS BALANCED BREAKFAST

"I think Honey Nut Cheerios spans the food pyramid just fine all by itself."

HE'S LYING

"I don't care what that says. I don't care. I totally trust Joe Isuzu."

PRICES AND TERMS MAY VARY

"This car costs exactly the same at any dealership in the country. I will fucking guarantee that. Every auto loan is no money down, every lease is for 18 months, and the interest rate will never ever change."

IF SIDE EFFECTS PERSIST, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR

"Actually, I don't think this three-day erection is any of your goddamn business, OK, Johns Hopkins?"

* * *

Self-promotion alert! See The John Francis & Impostors at Edinburgh Castle this Thursday, July 28, along with We Be The Echo and Olympian. Hosting duties for the show will be assumed by yours truly, because nothing gets a rock-and-roll crowd going like observational humor and endearing stories about children with speech impediments.

Edinburgh Castle is at 950 Geary Street, between Larkin and Polk. The show kicks off just after 9 PM, but prime couch space will be snatched up far earlier. Come for the laughter, stay for the rock. And the booze.