Jack Johnson Music Helps Fan Stay In Coma

After a relatively minor accident led to a miraculous two-week state of profound unconsciousness for Stan Samuelson, doctors are crediting the music of Jack Johnson for keeping the patient comatose.

"Normally, head trauma like Stan received from his surfing accident might lead to an overnight hospital stay, or at worst, a few days of unconsciousness," said neurologist Matthew Davidson. "But in this case, even though Stan shows no signs of brain stem damage or swelling, he has been in a relaxed, laid-back coma for nearly fourteen days. It is my professional opinion that 'Brushfire Fairytales' is responsible."

Friends and family flocked to Stan's bedside within hours of his concussion, suffered after a particularly gnarly wipeout. On the advice of coma recovery experts, Stan's support network played his favorite Jack Johnson CDs and independent surf videos around the clock, in hopes of inspiring him to wake up. Instead, the music seems to have had a negative effect. Twice, Stan has appeared to be coming out of his smiling, low-pressure coma, opening his eyes and speaking briefly. But both times he merely muttered the phrase, "Sweet, bra" and lapsed back into unconsciousness.

"If only Stan would make an effort, I believe he could still recover with very little lasting damage," commented head surgeon Rick Robertson. "Unfortunately, Stan's neurological functions have been slowing it down, and taking it progressively easier as the days pass and that 'Flake' song repeats over and over. Soon he will be too mellow to have any possibility of recovering his motor skills"

Hopes that Johnson's new EP might jolt Stan out of his coma were quickly deflated when doctors heard the first relaxed notes. Still, doctors have not given up on Stan. After all, remarked Matthewson, "We might as well relax, check his respirator, and just chill for a little while."

(creative credit also due to Allen Haim for this piece)