It has long been my dream to open a chimichanga-only restaurant. Not just a restaurant that specializes in chimichangas, but an all-chimichanga, all-the-time kind of establishment. I'd call it the "Chimnasium."
The whole menu is just chimichangas. Daily special? It's a chimichanga. Salads? The closest thing we have is a chimichanga with romaine lettuce inside. Appetizers? A tiny plate of chimichangas will do a lot to whet your appetite. Kids menu? 2/3-size chimichangas. Maybe they can get a burger and fries, but that burger will be wrapped in a tortilla - along with the french fries - and deep-fried. Soup? We can't really explain how, but that soup is inside the chimichanga. Sorry, trade secret, fellas. Dessert? Have you heard of the Choco Taco? Try the Baklava Chimichanga on for size. (Hint: The phyllo dough is deep-fried, and there's more refried beans than most Greek pastry chefs would use.)
But you're really depriving yourself if you don't order off of the main chimichanga menu. Here's a partial rundown of what's out there for you:
Chimi Hendrix: Served on fire. Warning: After eating the Chimi Hendrix, be careful not to choke on your own vomit.
Chimi Rollins: Leads off the menu, speeds through your digestive system.
Chimi Stewart: Filling consists of a giant chunks of rabbit, and it's garnished with Zuzu's petals. Honestly, this item might make you wish you'd never been born.
Chimi Hoffa: A fried chorizo burrito, buried under cheese, sour cream, guacamole, jalapenos, mole sauce, and three feet of concrete. Half-price for Teamsters. We will do our best to get the Chimi Hoffa into concession stands at Giants Stadium.
Lady Chimichangaga: Bizarre in appearance - some might say a little gross - but this item inexplicably enjoys massive popularity.
Chimi Crack Corn: The burrito is stuffed with undercooked corn, but sprinkled with crack, so you won't care.
Chimi Fallon: The chef keeps cracking up at his own jokes while preparing the burrito, so the end result is sloppy and unpredictable. Full of baloney. Not a smart late-night option.
Jules et Chim: Fried burrito filled with escargot, brie, and ennui.
Chimi Dean: A sausage burrito. Not to be confused with the Chimi Leans, which are filled with tofu and olestra.
Chimi Olson: Has a subservient, homoerotic relationship with the Superman chimichanga.
Chimi Breslin: Instead of being deep-fried, it's hard-boiled.
Chim Chimmenny: Bangers and mash and refried beans. Served by a waiter who does a terrible British accent.
Chimi Durante: Warning - this salsa is hot-cha-cha-cha.
A chimi joke about your mama that you might not like: She thought "nacho cheese" was cheese you stole off another diner's plate. Also, I heard she was a 'Frisco dyke.
Chimi Eat World: Item was more popular back in 2002. Only memorable part is the middle.
Chimi Chimi Cocoa Puff, Chimi Chimi Rah: Burrito goes down down baby, down down the roller coaster. Served with a biscuit - a Triscuit. Eating this will make you feel like you've been socked in the stomach three times.
Chimi hat: Much like using a condom, simply eating this condom after sex with prevent 99% of unwanted pregnancies. The tortilla has a reservoir tip.
Chim Crowichanga: Black beans are served separately.
Chimijenga: Remove just one ingredient, and the whole thing falls apart.
I will be accepting applications from investors, as well as dinner reservations, starting now. And if any Top Chef champion chefs are interested in jumping on board, you know how to reach me.