The above is Dr. Dre's new commercial for Dr. Pepper. It's fine for what it is, but I think we can agree that it doesn't use Dr. Dre to his full potential. I took the liberty of writing some new treatments for Dre/Pepper commercials, most of which are quite Xplosive.
* * *
Snoop and Dre are at an outdoor barbecue in Compton. G-Funk music plays, we see ribs on the grill, and Snoop opens a large refrigerator to reveal that it's full of frosty 40-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper. Also, Warren G is there playing volleyball. He undoes this girl's top, and then Snoop and Dre blast her with bottles of Dr. Pepper. At first she's mad, but then some of the Dr. Pepper gets sprayed in her mouth, and she says, "Wow, I can taste all 23 flavors." Dre smiles and says, "Ain't nuthin' but a P thang."
* * *
Eminem is drinking a 20-ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper when Dre comes in with a letter from Eminem's biggest fan, Sam. As he reads the letter, we see flashbacks of the fan chugging Mountain Dew and suffering from cavities, then getting on a sugar high and playing extreme sports all crazy. The whole time, Dido is singing that Diet Dr. Pepper is not so bad, not so bad. Eminem writes back and tells the guy that he should switch to Dr. Pepper, while Dre nods knowingly. Eminem explains that he had a fan who drank so much Mountain Dew, he slipped into a diabetic coma and died - and his name was Sam, too. Then we realize, OH SHIT IT'S THE SAME GUY! Dre shakes his head and says, "Damn," then he and Eminem solemnly pour Dr. Pepper on the ground.
* * *
Rapper "Sleazy-E", in soda deliveryman uniform, is building a Sierra Mist display in a supermarket with a Muzak version of George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" playing in the background. Suddenly, a shadow appears over Sleazy-E and the regular song kicks in. It's Snoop and Dre! Snoop says, "Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay, Dr. Pepper's in the motherfuckin' house!" Dre knocks over the display, swinging a two-liter of Dr. Pepper like a club. Sleazy-E tries to run away, visibly wetting his pants in fear, but Snoop and Dre are too fast for him. Snoop pins his arms, and Dre forces a bottle of Dr. Pepper into his mouth, saying, "Gap teeth in your mouth, so my two-liter's got to fit." Sleazy-E struggles, but as he drinks the Dr. Pepper, his Jheri curl hairstyle softens, and his appearance morphs, and by the time the bottle is empty, it's Tupac! (played by an impostor) Tupac opens his eyes and says, "Like California - DR. PEPPER knows how to party."
* * *
Dr. Dre is sitting in his low rider, hitting the switches and activating the hydraulics. The camera pulls back to reveal that Dre is not actually on the streets, but rather in a very fancy garage. A uniformed butler walks up and brings Dre a tray, upon which sits a bowl of caviar, a Cuban cigar, and a crystal carafe full of Dr. Pepper. The servant opens the garage door to reveal that Dre's house is overlooking a white sand beach, and four more servants enter to fan Dre with palm leaves as he sips his Dr. Pepper. Dre's servant puts a match to a hundred dollar bill, and Dre uses the flaming bill to light his cigar. Then Dre says, "Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors. That's one for every million dollars I make in a month." Also you can see a really nice set of golf clubs in the back seat behind Dre.
* * *
Dr. Dre strides through a Dr. Pepper bottling plant with "Still D.R.E." playing behind him. "I'm representing for the Peppers all across the world," Dre says, slamming a lever that releases a torrent of cans. "Still hitting the taste buds with 23 flavors," he says, hopping onto a forklift. Dre opens a can of Dr. Pepper and takes a long gulp. "And I still got love for the sweets. It's the D-R-P."
* * *
(This one is a synergistic effort with the new ABC drama Flash Forward). Two FBI agents stand on an overpass, looking down at a freeway strewn with wrecked cars. Their faces show disbelief, and extreme thirst. "I've never seen such destruction," says the first agent. "You mean to tell me that for two minutes and seventeen seconds, everyone on Earth just...?"
"Forgot about Dre. Yes. And just look what happened," answers the second agent.
"Even the survivors...they're moving their lips, but nothing comes out but a bunch of gibberish."
They look behind them to see a helicopter landing. At the controls is Dr. Dre. He hops out and jogs over, arms full of Dr. Pepper bottles.
"We thought you were dead, Dre!" exclaims the first agent.
"No, I've been in a lab with a pen and a pad, trying to get these damn flavors off," Dre answers, tossing a 20-ounce bottle to each agent. They chug mightily, and sigh.
"Dre, you'll never be forgotten again," says the second agent.
"And neither will Dr. Pepper," answers Dre.
* * *
There's a crowd of hos assembled in the waiting area of the emergency room. Dre is wearing a doctor coat, a stethoscope and one of those headbands with a mirror on it. Eventually there's some line about chronic dehydration.
* * *
Dre is home watching the movie Soul Plane on a massive plasma-screen television. We see Dre's face, intercut with a montage of Snoop Dogg's performance as the captain of the Soul Plane. Dre looks offended, and progressively more disappointed and disgusted. He picks up his cell phone and calls his agent. "Tell Dr. Pepper I'll do it," he says. "There's worse ways to sell out than doing a soda commercial." Dre turns off the television and sits alone in the darkness for the next fifteen seconds. It's hard to tell for sure, but it's possible that Dre is weeping.