(With the release of yet another alleged missive from the embattled Al Qaeda leader, Zembla is proud to reprint Osama Bin Laden: Making the Video, which originally appeared in the Heuristic Squelch)
Excerpts from "Osama Bin Laden: Making the Video"
An Al Jazeera Exclusive
Friday, 4:30 AM
Carson Sabarmati: What's up, privileged elites of the Arab world? We're coming to you from Detroit, Michigan, site of the shoot of Osama Bin Laden's new video, a video that will premiere on Al Jazeera in just 30 minutes.
Osama Bin Laden: When Al Jazeera approached me, I knew we had to shoot this video in Detroit, you know what I'm saying? Detroit is where the true fans are at, and I hope a lot of the militant fundamentalist Muslims in the Lower Michigan area come out to the shoot.
(Speeded up film of Bin Laden climbing into jeep, shaking hands with film crew, spitting on the American flag, shooting a rifle, and kicking a puppy)
* * * *
Wardrobe
7:15 AM
OBL: (Picks up a green jilbob from the clothing rack) Now, this looks pretty fly. But I'm not sure if it'll seem too decadent. (Selects new item) This dishdasha is from Versace, and it kinda says, Saturday night, hitting the club in downtown Kabul. Saudi Arabia will love this look. (Picks up hooded white cloak) This jalabiyah realy says "mujahadeeni," but I don't know... let's just go with the same camouflage thing I always wear. Give me that white cap, too.
* * * *
Radio Interview
8:43 AM
DJ: We're here on KMSM here in Detroit, talking with famed terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Osama, thanks for coming out.
OBL: Well, I don't usually visit pop stations, but I'm making a video for Al Jazeera, so it's all good, you know what I'm sayin?
DJ: We appreciate it. So, the new single is a 45 minute speech about Israeli human rights abuses in the occupied territories, and the scores of civilian casualties from the US bombing of Iraq.
OBL: Yes, it's a cause I feel very strongly about.
DJ: So, what made you choose Dr. Dre to produce it?
OBL: Ever since his N.W.A. days, Dr. Dre's slick beats and anti-authority attitude have been an inspiration to all oppressed peoples. Plus, he said Nate Dogg might be willing to do a guest vocal. He's got such a sweet voice, you know?
DJ: I hear that, Osama. We'll be back in a minute with Osama Bin Laden, but first, here's Cat Stevens with "Peace Train."
(Bin Laden slaps forehead)
* * * *
The Vision
11:52 AM
Director Hype Williams: Osama had a vision for this video. First, he was going preach into the camera in High Arabic for an unbroken 40 minutes. Then, he was going to fire his rifle at a target a few times. Then, a little more preaching. That was all cool, but I had an idea to switch it up a little.
OBL: Look, I've showed off political Osama, I gave y'all militant Osama, and now it's time to show off the playful side of Bin Laden.
(Clip of OBL and Mase on a speedboat, with four girls)
Director Hype Williams: Underneath those birkas, and chadors are some fineass honeys. Just take my word for it.
* * * *
Security
12:48 PM
OBL: We shall continue until we win this battle, or die in the cause and meet our maker.
(Camera explodes, killing camera operator, key grip, Best Boy, and Al Qaeda cofounder Muhammad Atef)
Hype Williams: Cut!
OBL: OK, who's working security? Cut off their hands.
* * * *
Premiere
1:54 PM
Carson Sabarmati: The video has just been delivered to Al Jazeera's office by a blindfolded courier. He's been wrapped in a carpet and driven in the back of a jeep, flown blindfolded in a cargo hold of a prop plane, and then spun around ten times so he won't be able to remember the way back. So now, Bin Laden fans, and Al Qaeda operatives looking for coded messages, enjoy the new OBL video world premiere. Peace out.
