A Scene From a Parallel Reality Where the Celebrity Passengers From Jet Blue Flight 292 Switched Places With The Heroic Passengers of United Flight 93

Jet Blue Flight 292

TIMOTHY: I’m getting worried. We keep changing directions and circling. What’s going on?

MARK: Check out Channel 7.

TIMOTHY: You mean ESPN2?

MARK: No, ESPN2 is Channel 8. Channel 7 is CNN. They’re showing our plane. The landing gear is stuck in a sideways position.

TIMOTHY: That son of a bitch landing gear! Those goddamn wheels are in league with each other.

MARK: We’ve got to do something!

TIMOTHY: You’re right. OK, here’s the plan. On my signal, we’re all going to rush the landing gear.

MARK: If the landing gear won’t let us down, we’re gonna take it down! (punches palm of his hand)

TIMOTHY: Everybody ready? 3, 2, 1. Let’s ro---wait, are they passing out chips?

MARK: Yeah. Have you had their Terra chips before?

TIMOTHY: No.

MARK: Oh, you’ll like them. They’re blue.

TIMOTHY: Really. OK, let’s have a snack first, then roll.

(Three minutes of silent chewing)

TIMOTHY: These really are delicious. And I can’t believe they have chocolate chip biscotti!

MARK: You know, if you order a soda, they bring you the whole can, too.

United Flight 93

TUCKER WATKINS, “ONE LIFE TO LIVE”: I’m sorry, is this hijacking going to go much longer? I have an audition.

TARYN MANNING, “HUSTLE AND FLOW”: This is so boring. I thought there’d be TVs on the back of the seats.

JOANNA GOING, “INVENTING THE ABBOTTS”: No TVs? Fuck this, we’re crashing the plane into a big empty field.

TUCKER WATKINS, “ONE LIFE TO LIVE”: I can’t believe I bothered to pack a lunch for this shitty flight. (Sigh) Alright, let’s roll, I guess.