A few months ago, the upstairs neighbors needed a new roommate. They ended up getting a temporary German, who was going to stay for two months. Before he moved in, we got into a discussion about the great opportunity this presented us, in terms of potential for cultural disinformation and general harassment. Our intent was not malicious, at least, not completely.. We didn't want to deceive the new German as much as we were intrigued by the potential to spread false and bizarre American culture back to Germany itself. If we could convince the new German that certain sayings or practices were standard American fare, or at least done by cool people, he might pass it on to his freundes back home.
Of course, Germans are already cognizant of American culture. When Gene lived in Munich, the hot import beer was Miller Genuine Draft. Neighbor Britney warned us that Germans knew enough about America to be familiar with the short-lived WB series Wonderfalls (which Paul thought was a TLC song), and also cautioned, "He's German, not retarded."
That didn't stop us from making plans, though we knew from the start that we'd never have the discipline to keep the charade going long enough. We thought about using "buttfucks" as a proxy for bupkis, our hope being that the similarity in sound might the German feel that "buttfucks" was acceptable slang: "Hans, that guy didn't know buttfucks about how to set up a wireless network." The phrase was, "burn some hot rubber" would mean, put a record on the LP player
I thought the neighbors should insist on playing Axis and Allies, as often as three or four times each week. The new German would always have to play as Germany, though it might be presented as everyone else relenting and letting him play as his native country, every single time. "RISK? No, I think we'll try another round of Axis and Allies." Everyone would act all nice about it on the surface, but audibly take pleasure in thwarting Germany in the game, to the point of making taunting gestures or muttering curse words, preferably in German or Yiddish.
The new slang phrase we really liked was also going to to be the one hardest to say with a straight face. If we were talking about a song, or movie we liked, we'd say, "That gives me a boner." Now, it wouldn't be used in a sexual way; just to add emphasis or clarification. "I love that new Wolf Parade album. It really gives me a boner." Or, "Good Night and Good Luck was good, I guess, but it just didn't give me a boner." I think that would be way funnier if the guy saying it were wearing lederhosen.
We never instituted any of this, lazy drunks that we were, and I had basically forgotten all about it until I was looking over Tobey Keith lyrics online (don't ask). On his "Shock n' Y'all" album, Tobey Keith has a tune entitled "The Taliban Song". Here is a representative verse:
Now, I ain't seen my wife's face since they came here
They make her wear a scarf over her head that covers her from ear to ear
She loves the desert and the hot white sand
But man she's just like me, naw she can't stand the Taliban
The chorus ends with the camel-herdin' Middle Eastern man riding away from the oppressive land of Afghanistan. They leave, but not before they "bid a fair adieu and flip the finger to the Taliban", a triumphant chorus that repeats a few times. The last time, however, the climactic line is altered slightly, and Keith sings, "We'll bid a fair adieu and give a big boner to the Taliban."
I could not understand what the hell this means. Is it just a side effect of friction, from riding on the back of the camel? But, no, I think maybe this is a sign that Tobey has spent some time in Germany. There's nothing sexual; it's just that leaving the oppressive fundamentalist regime, is so good, it really gives that camel-herdin' man a boner.
