Seattle 42, New York Giants 30
Eli Manning is making a bid to become the new Brett Favre. Eli gunslung his way to 27 fourth quarter points, meaning the Giants only lost by twelve. Of course, the comeback effort was only necessary because of Eli's three interceptions. Next week, Eli is going to get addicted to Vicodin, then hold a press conference where he hints at retirement.
Carolina 26, Tampa Bay 24
Chris Simms played with a ruptured spleen, which was removed after the game. Steve Young said that, while his father's spleen was one of the toughest in NFL history, Chris Simms's spleen grew up in the laissez-faire atmosphere of Chris Simms's body, and thus may not have had the the physical toughness and ability to succeed in the NFL or the reticuloendothelial system. Young added that he'd let Phil Simms remove his own children's spleens.
The Raiders were idle this week while Tampa Bay lost, making them only the second-worst pirate-themed NFL team for one week. Next week, when the Buccaneers have a bye and the Raiders lose to Cleveland, they'll be tied at 0-3. Andrew Walter will probably keep his internal organs intact for at least seven more days.
Philadelphia 38, San Francisco 24
You hear a lot about adding insult to injury, but this game showcased the less-heralded "injury to insult", when Frank Gore and Vernon Davis both managed to hurt themselves on a play where Gore fumbled at the goal line and Davis let a 300-pound man ran the fumble back 98 yards for touchdown. Gore achieved the rare "insult to injury to insult" when Philadelphia's Brian Dawkins called him a pussy for straining his abs trying to stretch the ball across the goal line.
Cincinnati 28, Pittsburgh 20
I only saw Cincinati Coach Marvin Lewis's postgame press conference, where he pleaded with the team to leave the stadium with class. Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason seemed to think he was sending a message to trash-talking receiver Chad Johnson, but I think he was really saying, "Please guys, nobody get arrested."
UPDATE: Linebacker Odell Thurman, already serving a drug suspension, got arrested after the game for drunk driving. He also had teammates in the car with him. Good pep talk, coach.
Washington 31, Houston 15
Move over, Rich Gannon! There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Mark Brunell. Brunell broke Gannon's record for consecutive completed passes by connecting on his first 22 throws yesterday. Gannon's family said that Brunell was a worthy successor, and that they were just happy that a white man broke the record.
New York Jets 28, Buffalo 20
J.P. Losman is the quarterback for Buffalo. That name is almost "Lose-man", and it's appropriate, because J.P. loses all the time. I think I am the first person to ever make this joke.
Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14
Also, Giants outfielder Randy Winn has never been on a team with a winning record since reaching the majors. More like Randy Lose!
Green Bay 31, Detroit 24
Baltimore 15, Cleveland 14
Aaron Rodgers and Kyle Boller both called Jeff Tedford this weekend and cried like little girls.
Miami 13, Tennessee 10
I would have been more excited about this game if it had been Vince Young vs. Joey Harrington, instead of Kerry Collins vs. Daunte Culpepper. Neither of these teams is any damn good.
Chicago 19, Minnesota 16
Minnesota coach Brad Childress reminds me of Garth Pancake, the character played by JK Simmons in The Ladykillers.
Coach Childress: OK, stopping the outside run. Easiest thing in the world. Mountain Girl drew up some run blitz schemes, and I think...
Fred Smoot: Did you bring your bitch to the Tuesday film session?
Coach Childress: Excuse me?
Fred Smoot: I said, did you bring your bitch to the Tuesday film session?
Coach Childress: This is Mountain Girl. Mountain is my right hand. She helps me with the Cover-2. Helps me with damn near everything. She's the other half of my life.
Fred Smoot: I can't believe you brought your bitch to the Tuesday film session!
Coach Childress: You son of a bitch punk! Shut your goddamn mouth! (Clutches waist) Oh God. IBS.
St. Louis 16, Arizona 14
Paris Hilton will be calling Phoenix-area radio stations to complain that Matt Leinart should be the starter for Arizona after this game. Any half-decent NFC West team should be able to sneak into the playoffs because they get to play the 49ers, Rams, and Cardinals twice. Unfortunately, none of those three teams seems able to rise out of their mediocrity. The teams will all go 2-4 in the division, lose to Seattle twice, and pick in spots 8-10 in next June's draft.
Denver 17, New England 7
I didn't see this big Sunday night showdown because I was at a wedding banquet. So while the game was going on, I was watching middle-aged Chinese-American couples doing elaborate line dancing. From what I gather from game accounts, that dancing was far more coordinated and effective than the New England offense.