Phil Simms is an affable broadcaster who seems very comfortable with his masculinity. So much so that he doesn't censor himself at all in discussing the physical side of the game, his fondness for rough play, or even players' physiques. Last year, Simms wore a pink shirt during the divisional round, and a pink tie for the championship game. Along the way, Simms produced gems like:
"The Broncos have their deepest penetration of the night".
Regarding Jerome Bettis: "You look at that body, and he's just so big - but then you look at those quick little feet."
And my favorite: "Good blocking on the backside."
Outsports.com has compiled a list of Phil's homoerotic comments throughout the years. This year's AFC Championship Game was no different. Because I love Phil Simms, and I have the sense of humor of a seventh-grader, here's a compendium of his broadcasting highlights from the Patriots-Colts game on Sunday. As a bonus for readers who prefer brunettes, there's some bonus Jim Nantz homoeroticism in there, too. Tee-hee! In there.
"The Patriots are very big and powerful up front."
"They're trying to confuse them by having guys get in there and switch positions."
"When it starts to slip, you're in trouble. But it has not slipped."
On Tom Brady's QB sneak:
"He just pats Koppen on the rear end, he probably yells out, 'Get ready!'"
On Dwight Freeney vs. Matt Light:
"He gets underneath him, and that helps him get around."
"To the backside, no one on top of Jabar Gaffney."
"Anderson got in there and rolled over him."
Nantz and Simms, discussing either foreplay or the Patriots offensive gameplan:
"You've got to loosen them up. You've got to loosen them up first."
Nantz and Simms also got into a discussion about eyeglasses. Simms mentioned his need for "thick, binocular glasses", and Nantz appeared to get upset with his TV boyfriend. "Why don't you wear them on camera?", he demanded. It really sounded like Nantz was disappointed in Simms, both for sacrificing his vision, and for trying to look more handsome than Jim Nantz. Simms admitted as much, sheepishly responding, "Because I'm vain."
I'm happy to report that Nantz and Simms will also be broadcasting the Super Bowl. Simms was paired with Greg Gumbel for his previous Super Bowl gigs, a fine partnership which nonetheless lacked the homoerotic synergy of the Nantz-Simms duo. Whether you're a fan of the NFL or just homoeroticism, this year's Super Bowl should be a memorable one.