Driving down Guerrero Street today, I noticed a series of advertisements for "Grizzly Gulch", a new attraction at the SF Zoo. The promotional campaign could not have come at a worse time for the zoo, reminding a terrified public that, yes, other enormous alpha predators exist at the unsafe, negligent zoo. Judging by other safety standards in the SF Zoo, the grizzlies are most likely separated from the public by a six-foot-high fence of cardboard, and a sign with a stern warning telling bears to stay put.

(Speaking of things that are six feet high, check out The Six Feet or Taller Show, January 8th at 12 Galaxies.)

The SF Zoo could learn from a recent incident at the Hundred Aker Wood Zoological Gardens, when a Tigger escaped from its enclosure and bounced several visitors. One victim was found horribly bounced outside the Tigger habitat. Two other victims were...also bounced. All are recovering swiftly, still somewhat sore and annoyed at the Tigger. One of the as-yet unidentified victims commented, "Oh, bother."

The height of the moat inside the Tigger habitat was 16 3/4 feet. While that height well exceeds the recommended standard for tigers, it does not take into account that Tiggers' tops are made out of rubber, and that their bottoms are made out of springs. An official noted, "Look, we all agree that Tiggers are bouncy, trouncy, flouncy pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN. But we must remember that Tiggers are alpha predators, albeit cuddly ones."

According to eyewitness reports, the Tigger followed the victims to a house at the edge of the wood, where he bounced them repeatedly under a gold sign that read "Mr. Sanders". The attack stopped when the Tigger became distracted by a large quantity of extract of malt, and bounced away. Zookeepers tracked down the Tigger when he foolishly bounced into a tree, and was too scared to come down. The zoo's director extracted a promise from the Tigger that he would no longer bounce zoo visitors. However, officials were considering releasing the Tigger from the promise because he "looks so sad".

Managing director Christopher Robin explained. "Sometimes the Tigger gets too enthusiastic, and bounces people that don't want to be bounced. But to take away his bouncing might be to take away his most essential Tigger nature. After all, that's what Tiggers do best, and he's the only one. Oh he's the only one!"