Oscar season ends just as baseball season gets going. Pitchers and catchers reported on Valentine's Day, just as voters received their promotional DVDs. Hitters were taking their first swings as actresses were getting their hair styled for the big night. And just as I embarked on a 48-hour binge of nominated films two days before the ceremony, this weekend I will embark on a 48-hour binge of preseason baseball down in Arizona. Much like the movie Atonement, Giants games are sure to be overlong and somewhat disappointing, even when you go into it with low expectations already.
So who are the equivalents to these Oscar nominees on the Giants? Let's find out!
No Country For Old Men = Barry Zito
Because Barry Zito is stealing millions of dollars. He's also known for long, girlish hair.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly = Ray Durham
Diving Bell is about a man who has a massive stroke, resulting in near-total paralysis. He can only move his tonuge slightly and blink his left eye. Still, he'd have more range at second base than Ray Durham.
Juno = The Giants' Youth Movement
Much like Juno, the Giants' youth movement is overhyped, and when you look at it, all of the references and visual evidence indicate someone who was a teenager back in 1993. Also, Dan Ortmeier used to be a stripper.
Atonement = Randy Winn
Atonement got many nominations, but only won Best Score. Randy Winn has played on many teams, but only one of them has finished with a winning record. Also, 70 times a year, Randy Winn scores elegantly, and it sounds like a typewriter for some reason.
Michael Clayton = Aaron Rowand
"I'm not the guy you pitch to! I'm the guy you walk, and then pitch to Aurilia!"
There Will Be Blood = Former Giant Armando Benitez
Because Benitez clearly drinks a lot of milkshakes.
(Simulcast on Humm Bloggy)