March 2005 Archives

Next week has got some big events coming up, all for the combined low low price of just $12. First, I will be returning to the stand-up stage at 50 Mason Lounge for their Saturday Night Showcase on April 9th, at 8 PM. I've performed at 50 Mason Lounge (located near Union Square, at 50 Mason Street) twice in the past four months. With this third appearance, I hope that I can do for this place what Tony Randall did for the Ed Sullivan Theater, and vice versa, except without me fathering a child at age 82 and subsequently dying. Admission is $10 with a ZERO drink minimum, to see probably eight comics of varying degrees, including mine, the M.F.A. of local highbrow unpaid funnymaking.

To prepare for my upcoming set, I have been trying out some new "racial" material, since it seems to be a popular subject among some of my open mic brethren. Here's a little sample:

"You ever notice how black people get hassled more by law enforcement? They're like, 'What seems to be the problem officer?', and it turns out they're getting pulled over because of racial profiling! Whereas with white people, it's more like, "Whoops, I ran a red light! Guess that cop didn't see me. Turn up that Linkin Park CD, man.' (point to front row) I see *that* guy knows what I'm talking about. And don't get me started on opportunities to play professional hockey! I mean, more like, professional *honky*!"

The official promotional show info is after the jump.

The second big event comes on April 13th, when Two Dollar Wednesday emerges from its seven-month hibernation to bring discount baseball and joy to the good people of the East Bay, plus whatever Raiders fans also buy tickets. It's nice to know that in a world where a movie ticket is $9.50 and MUNI fares are about to jump up to $1.50, the price of Wednesday night major league baseball, just like a Super Nintendo, is holding steady at 16 bits.

Just think, to see the playoff-bound Oakland Athletics battle the unfailingly-polite Toronto Blue Jays (7:05 PM, Network Associates Coliseum) will cost just 50 cents more than what it will soon cost to take the N train downtown. Of course, for those of us who will be taking MUNI to a downtown BART station to get to the ballpark in the first place, it's sort of irrelevant, but you can't ignore those savings! Hot dogs are only $1! Beer is still overpriced, but you don't mind as much when they're practically giving the baseball away for free. You mind even less if you've rigged up a hands-free camelback hydration system to smuggle in beer, but it's a great deal even without such a setup.

What a week. Two great events. Two great towns. Twelve small dollars. I hope to see many people there. Besides, have you ever noticed how white people illegally smuggle alcohol into professional sports stadiums? I bet that guy knows what I'm talking about!

ABC has a drama about a police officer, blinded in the line of duty, who fights his way back to the job and learns that in some ways, he's a better cop than ever. As ten or twelve different ads in the Church Street MUNI station will tell you, "He lost his sight...not his vision." The show is called Blind Justice.

There is something about the genre of crime and detective drama that allows the physically challenged to participate, and in fact excel at their jobs. In that spirit, I'd like to present some potential new shows for any interested blog-reading television executives still putting together their upcoming fall lineups.

"Special Agent":

An autistic teenager lives a solitary, withdrawn existence, until a bungled home invasion robbery results in the death of both of his parents - and reveals his hidden genius for forensic science. Now he's out of the house, and off to Quantico as the youngest and wackiest member of the FBI!

Sample dialogue:

"Uh oh. Five minutes until 'Law and Order'. Definitely only five minutes until 'Law and Order'."

"Hands!"

"You Have The Right To Remain Silent":

Tagline: He's no dummy.

A mute police sergeant brings criminals to justice, in part due to his hard-boiled interrogation techniques.

Sample dialogue:

"What's this about, copper? I don't know nothing about that robbery." (Pause. Sergeant cracks his knuckles.) "OK, I heard that Big Jimmy was gonna knock off some rich guy over on Mulberry, but that's it." (Pause. Sergeant removes his jacket.) "Fine! If I testify against Big Jimmy, can you make it so I don't do any prison time?" (Sergeant nods, signals to DA in sign language.)

The Short Arm of the Law:

While thwarting a bank robbery, a freak explosion costs Officer Cunningham his arms, below the elbow. With a little assistance from his helper monkey, and a whole lot of courage, Cunningham returns to the beat - dangerous, but not armed!

Sample dialogue:

"I gotta hand it to you, Cunningham, you were right about those Latvians."
"It was simple, sarge. No self-respecting Latvian deli could get away with serving sprats like that!"
"I got a tip on that body we found in the aqueduct - can you keep it close to the vest, Cunningham?"
"Sarge, it's the only way I know how."
"Eek eek!"
"You can't tell anyone either, Zephyr!" (Laughter.)

OCDPD:

The men of the 87th Precint are obsessive about fighting crime - and compulsive about justice. Also, they all suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder to varying degrees.

Sample dialogue:

"Williams, I want you to run those lab tests again."
"But, Lieutenant, we've already confirmed the DNA match three times."
"Run the tests again. I'm going back to re-check the crime scene." (Lieutenant locks, unlocks police car for 3 1/2 minutes)

A letter has recently fallen into the hands of Zembla, explaining perhaps why Officer Toughkins singled out Shakes, the innocent Toyota Corolla, for harassment. (Boldness added by me, all spelling errors are CSSA's own. My dad's name changed to protect his anonymity.)

Dear "Emmis",

The California State Sheriff's Association (CSSA) is a professional law enforcement organization, which has provided all 58 elected Sheriffs of California with a unified voice on matters of public safety for over 100 years. Through our collective participation, we are able to bring our combined resources and knowledge to provide the highest level of service to communities throughout California.

Every day the Sheriff's Office, as the chief law enforcement agency in each county, works very hard to keep us safe in our community and to apprehend individuals who break the law and would do us harm. As criminals terrorists, and predators become more sophisticated, technologically advanced, and better armed, the job of a peace officer becomes even more dangerous.

We are writing to request your assistance in this effort by becoming a Member of the California State Sheriff's Association. For as little as $25 a year (about $2 a month) you will be supporting the preeminent law enforcement organization in California. Your dues will be used to provide programs on crime prevention and awareness, provide training for Sheriffs and their personnel, and educate the public regarding law enforcement information, functions, and events. These dues are essential as the current budget crisis in California threatens to gravely impact law enforcement spending priorities. Most importantly, through participation in CSSA, the Sheriff's (sic) of California are able to work with other state leaders and organizations to ensure our Officers receive the tools they need to be effective in our criminal justice system.

Membership privileges include a membership card, bumper sticker, two window decals, and a years (sic) subscription to California Sheriff, our quarterly publication.

Thank you in advance for your consideration to become a member of the California State Sheriffs' Association. Please send your check TODAY as serious issues facing law enforcement must be addressed immediately.

Sincerely,

Executive Director

Apparently, our local sheriffs are threatened not just by evil terrorists, but by "predators" like mountain lions, grizzly bears, and perhaps coyotes. More importantly, our sherrifs are running an informal protection racket, where a $25 membership fee can ensure safety from troublesome traffic stops. Otherwise, why would one need a bumper sticker or window decals proclaiming membership in the Association?

I can imagine Sheriff Warren Rupf making the pitch to drivers directly: "You know, that's a pretty nice driving record you've got there. It'd be a shame if it got some moving violations on it." Then he scrapes the registration sticker off your license plate, breaks your tail light with his billy club, and then dashes into the forest to wrestle a mountain lion, a mountain lion with a distinct technological advantage.

Here's a song from a few months ago that I co-wrote with Allen Haim about Bill O'Reilly and his love of Middle Eastern food. Tyler Roscoe also contributed to the work. You can download a live, work-in-progress version of the song from the Brainwash Cafe, last November right here

Bill O'Reilly Falafel Blues

(Chorus)

Bill O'Reilly's got a vibrator
He'll use it now or he'll use it later
You know he's got some diverse talents
He'll put you in a lot of positions that are fair and balanced

(Verse)

On his show, Bill O'Reilly's mighty tough
But off the air, O'Reilly's sensual
Drunk dialing for phone sex, it's never just a bluff
Unless you hang up, it's consensual

(Chorus)

Bill O'Reilly's got a vibrator
Often a premature ejaculator
He always holds a bottle of lube in his talons
To ensure that his orgasm arrives, fair and balanced

(Verse)

Now Bill O'Reilly, he runs a no-spin zone
And maybe liberals think he's awful
But no matter your politics, if you're answering the phone
Bill wants to rub you with falafel

(Chorus)

Bill O'Reilly's got a vibrator
He'll suck on the tip like a Now & Later
He paid two million to an offscreen talent
To make sure the scales of justice remain, fair and balanced

(Verse)

Now some folks like legs and O'Reilly, he likes breasts
Though some allege that he's an ass man
In Bill O'Reilly's mind, you're always half-dressed
And never sue him for harassment

(Chorus)

Bill O'Reilly's a worse boss than Darth Vader
He'll clench his fingers, but he's not using The Force
Got weirder sexual quirks than Woody Allen's
But that's to keep things fair and balanced, of course

(Verse)

Go on the Factor, you better have your facts straight
O'Reilly's gonna have rebuttal
He'll lick his lips and then he'll end the whole debate
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!

(Chorus)

Bill O'Reilly's got a vibrator
He's also got a telestrator
His fascist views can be compared to Stalin's
But all the same, he wants to keep things
Absolutely
100%
No doubt about it
Fair and bala-a-a-a-a-a-anced