Recently in NBA Playoffs Category

Omar and Sean discuss Game 5 of the Cavs-Pistons series

Omar: Is Lebron really that great?
Omar: Or is Flip Saunders just that bad....

Sean: Sort of...both?
Sean: Yeah, just single-cover Lebron
Sean: What's he gonna do - score the last 25 points of the game himself?
Omar: The Chris Webber / Flip Saunders combo
Omar: Is just lethal

Sean: It's like if Rex Grossman played quarterback for Marty Schottenheimer
Omar: Those might cancel each other out
Omar: Schottenheimer would have Rex quick kick on 3rd downs, and hand off to Benson or whatever on 1st and 2nd
Sean: Marty might actually have the perfect philosophy for the Bears
Sean: I was going to say, "It's like Dusty Baker managing the Cubs" except that actually happened
Omar: ...Yes

"This is a very unfortunate incident, but the rule is the rule. It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision."
-Stu Jackson, on suspending Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw

Stu Jackson, Traffic Cop

Jaywalking

(Robert Horry runs a red light in his Humvee, collides with Steve Nash in the crosswalk, and drives off. Boris Diaw steps off the curb and is apprehended by Officer Stu Jackson.)

Officer Stu Jackson: (Blows whistle) That's jaywalking, young man.

Diaw: My friend just got hit by a car!

Officer Jackson: The law states that, between adjacent intersections controlled by traffic control signal devices or by police officers, pedestrians shall not cross the roadway at any place except in a crosswalk.

Diaw: But I didn't even cross! I just took two steps off the curb!

Officer Stu Jackson: The law doesn't give me any discretion here. I'm going to have to give you a citation.

Diaw: Fine. Write the ticket. Can I at least go check on my friend?

Officer Stu Jackson: I'm pretty sure your friend is dead.

Diaw: What?

Officer Stu Jackson: Say, you think Stromile Swift can still develop into a good player, right?

The Fender-Bender

(Amare Stoudemire is stopped at an intersection. Bruce Bowen crashes his battered, banged-up jalopy into the back of Stoudemire's car, while honking his horn. Stoudemire gets out to confront Bowen.)

Amare Stoudemire: What the hell, man?

Bruce Bowen: Sorry. Totally unintentional.

Stoudemire: How did you not see me there?

(Officer Stu Jackson approaches the two men.)

Officer Stu Jackson: Whoa whoa whoa. What's going on here?

Stoudemire: He rear-ended me!

Bowen: I apologized to him. Just part of driving.

Officer Stu Jackson: I'm more concerned about you leaving your vehicle, Mr. Stoudemire. Let me see your registration. Mr. Bowen, you are free to go.

Bowen: Thank you, sir.

(Bowen hits Stoudemire in the groin with the car door, and drives off.)

Officer Stu Jackson: Looks like your taillight is out, too. This is going to cost you.

Stoudemire: That's not fair at all!

Officer Stu Jackson: Can I ask you a question? You'd give up the #2 pick in the draft for a 35-year-old Otis Thorpe, right?

The Sports Book

(Officer Stu Jackson enters, places large sack of cash on the counter.)

Officer Jackson: I'd like to bet $25,000 on the San Antonio Spurs to win the NBA title.

Cashier: Of course, sir.

Officer Jackson: By the way, you'd pay Bryant "Big Country" Reeves $10 million a year, right?

Cashier: Whatever you say, sir.

The Golden State Warriors suffered a disappointing loss to the Utah Jazz Monday night. Seeing his team's spirits were down, Don Nelson decided a team-building activity was in order. And since this was Don Nelson, he decided to take them to a bar. Unfortunately, the team may have continued some of its bad habits.)

A Team-Building Night Out With the Warriors

Downtown

(The Warriors pile into the team bus, ready for a night out)

Coach Nellie: OK, what bar should we go to?

Baron Davis: Let's go downtown.

Jason Richardson: Yeah, downtown.

Stephen Jackson: We should focus on downtown.

Andris Biedrins: Sure, I guess.

Al Harrington: Definitely downtown.

Matt Barnes: Downtown is where it's at.

Jackson: I know a place that's got a full bar out on the patio. And you know what that means?

Richardson: Shots. Outside shots.

Davis: Oh hell yes.

Harrington: Outside shots are the greatest!

Barnes: I feel like taking outside shots all night!

Biedrins: Is this such a good idea? We might get cold tonight.

Nellie: What are you saying?

Biedrins: Well, maybe we should try to establish an inside presence, too?

All: Shut up, Andris! What do you know?

Open Threes

(Jason Richardson approaches the bar)

Richardson: What do you have in a bottle?

Bartender: Imports are $5, domestics are $4, and you can get Pabst Blue Ribbon for $3.

Richardson: PBR for $3? Yes! I'll take ten of those.

(Bartender uncaps the beers. Richardson tries to take all ten bottles back to his table by himself.)

Bartender: Mr. Richardson, do you want to take that many threes by yourself? Isn't that a bit ill-advised?

Richardson: Look, someone's gotta carry the load for this team.

(Richardson drops the armful of beers on the ground. Coach Nellie runs over angrily.)

Nellie: Dammit, Jason, those were open threes! We've got to drain those! Aw, just get me an import!

(Richardson waves in Mickaël Piétrus, who jogs up to the bartender.)

Piétrus: Dix Pabst Blue Ribbons, s'il vous plaît.

Rebounding

Adonal Foyle: Hey, Andris. What's happening with that cute girl you were talking to?

Andris Biedrins: I don't know.

Foyle: Come on, man. That girl was gorgeous.

Biedrins: I know. But she said she just got out of a long relationship.

Foyle: So?

Biedrins: So? She's on the rebound.

Foyle: I see what you mean. Gotta stay away from those rebounds.

Biedrins: I wouldn't even know what to do with a rebound!

Foyle: Looks like it doesn't matter, Andris. She just started making out with Paul Millsap.

Quality Shots

Monta Ellis: Stephen, what are you drinking?

Stephen Jackson: Not sure. (points to array of empty one-ounce glasses) One of them was Jägermeister, one was Wild Turkey, a couple were 151, two were tequila from this dirty unlabeled bottle, and that last one was a Cement Mixer.

Ellis: What's a Cement Mixer?

Jackson: Baileys and lime juice. You swish it around in your mouth until it gets lumpy.

Ellis: That is disgusting. How can you drink that stuff? I hate to say this, but you have to improve your shot selection, Stephen.

Jackson: Nah, these were all quality shots. Hey, bartender? Pour me one that's half-Jack-Daniels, half-Apple-Pucker.

Ellis: I need to go somewhere else now.

Jackson: You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Boozer

(The team returns to the bus at closing time, only to find the driver agitated and upset.)

Bus Driver: Nellie, one of the drunks from the bar wandered into the bus. He's doing a lot of damage in there.

Nellie: OK, I'm calling a cab.

Bus Driver: Aren't you even going to try to stop that alcoholic?

Nellie: Nope. Once he gets inside, that Boozer is unstoppable.

Continuing our series, here's how the Frenchmen did in Game 4 of the playoffs:

Tony Parker: 5-for-5.

Boris Diaw: 0-for-0.

Mickaël Piétrus: 0-for-3

Parker has recovered, Piétrus has fallen way off, and Diaw still isn't getting to the line much.

I was wrong in attributing the improvement in Mickaël's shooting to wine and hugs. According to the man himself, the improvement was due to not practicing his foul shots on Thursday in practice, and then playing with his puppy in Golden Gate Park. Hugs no, puppies yes, for Piétrus. Do you think Nellie will let him take his dog on the road? It may make the difference in Game 5.

In Game 2 of the two Western Conference semi-finals, French players combined to make only three foul shots, out of nine attempts. Tony Parker was 3-6, Mickaël Piétrus was 0-for-3, and Boris Diaw did not attempt a foul shot. Before this, French players had shot extremely well from the line in the playoffs. Piétrus was 16-19, Diaw was 7-9, and Parker was 18-21. In addition, Frenchman Ronny Turiaf of the eliminated Los Angeles Lakers shot 7-10 in the first-round loss to the Suns.

So what changed? I have three theories:

1. Anxiety over election returns:

Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy won the presidency of France, distressing these athletes. Footballer Lillian Thuram has been an outspoken opponent of Sarkozy, claiming that he is "awakening the hidden racism" of the French people. Thuram also took issue with Sarkozy's comments blaming blacks and Arabs for suburban riots, and calling urban immigrant youths "scum".

Perhaps the basketball players are distracted. During the frantic up-and-down of the game, they can put aside their political fears about France's right-wing, racialized future, but at the moment of contemplation just before a lancer-franc, the fears come back. Also, it would not surprise me if the players were unconsciously aiming slightly left of the cylinder, to counter-balance the political shift.

2. After notable headbutts, French players miss important penalty shots:

In last summer's World Cup, David Trezeguet missed his penalty shot just minutes after Zinedine Zidane was sent off for headbutting Marco Materazzi. Since Tony Parker split open Steve Nash's nose, French free throw shooting has gone into le toilette. Maybe Boris Diaw could sense this, and thus settled for jump shots throughout Game 2.

3. Sympathy for Tony Parker

Eva Longoria told Jimmy Kimmel that she was not having sex with Tony Parker until their wedding day in June. It is possible that the sympathetic Frenchmen feel that putting it in the hole so easily is essentially taunting poor Tony.

I'll be watching to see if the trend continues when the Suns and Spurs resume hostilities tonight in San Antonio. As far was the Warriors are concerned, there's a simple way to get Piétrus back on track: Wine-tasting with Nellie.

Or maybe Mickaël just needs a hug.

Detroit 108, Chicago 87

The 108-87 blowout loss in Game 2 means the 0-2 Bulls are in a hole so deep that even shovels might be useless, except as weapons to use on Rip Hamilton's and Tayshaun Prince's knees.

-Rick Telander

Bill Swerski's Superfans, Game 3 Edition

Bob Swerski: Good evening, my friends, and welcome to "Bill Swerski's Super Fans"! I'm Bob Swerski, filling in for my brother Bill, who had a heart attack during the first quarter of Game 2. With me, as always, are the Super Fans: Pat Arnold...

Pat Arnold: Hey, Bob.

Bob: ...Carl Wollarski...

Carl Wollarski: Good to see ya, Bob.

Bob: ...and Todd O'Connor.

Todd O'Connor: How ya' doing, Bob?

Bob: Real good, Todd. We're here, live from Mike Ditka's restaurant in the heart of Chicago, Illinois, the city of broad shoulders, hog butcher for the world, the Windy City. A town that is also the home of a certain team, that finished third in a certain Central Division, a team that is presumably still trying to win this semifinal series against Detroit, a team that is known as, Da Bulls!

All: Da Bulls!

Bob: Any predictions for Game 3, gentleman?

Carl: Pistons 104, Bulls 85. I feel confident that the Bulls stay within twenty points of the Pistons at home.

Bob: A bold prediction, Carl. Todd?

Todd: A United Center security guard locks the Pistons in their locker room for the first six minutes of the second half. Pistons 82, Bulls, 66.

Bob: Expecting a real nail-biter, eh, Todd?

Todd: My cousin is a security guard down there - say no more.

Pat: Pistons 125, Bulls 72. But Chris Duhon only craps his pants once while trying to guard Chauncey Billups.

Bob: The additional playoff experience gives Duhon greater control of...da bowels.

All: Da Bowels!

Bob: Since the season is pretty much at an end, who do you like the Bulls to take in this year's draft?

Pat: In the first round, you gotta go with Durant. In the second round, they need another shooting guard, so I like the guy from Ohio State, Daequan Cook.

Todd: Dae Quan!

Carl: Dae Quan!

Bob: Sounds like there's a consensus. Is there any chance this series could turn around?

Pat: What if the Pistons bus crashed on the way to the arena?

Bob: Who's left to compete in the game?

Pat: It's just Antonio McDyess, Kid Rock, the team trainer, and Hooper the mascot.

Todd: Bulls 78, Pistons 73.

Carl: Is Scott Skiles still coaching the Bulls?

Pat: Yeah.

Carl: Pistons 67, Bulls 62.

Bob: It's tough to look back at what might have been. If only the Bulls had used P.J. Brown's expiring contract and some of their many young players to trade for a certain Spanish power forward, who plays for a certain Tennessee team, and provides a certain low-post scoring threat that Chicago lacks. I'm speaking, of course, of Pau Gasol!

All: Ga-Sol!

Bob: What about this: How would the Bulls fare versus a team of Mini-Pistons?

Todd: What do you mean?

Bob: An evil wizard casts a spell on the Pistons. They have the same guys, but they're all eighteen inches tall.

Carl: What about Lindsay Hunter?

Bob: Mini-Hunter is only sixteen inches tall.

Pat: Are they wearing their normal uniforms?

Bob: No, the mini-Pistons have mini-uniforms.

Pat: I say...Bulls, 92, Mini-Pistons, 79.

Todd: Bulls 104, Mini-Pistons, 101. And Ben Gordon goes for at least 18 points on mini-Hamilton.

Carl: Mini-Rasheed gets ejected, but Mini-Pistons take it, 88-81.

Bob: Two little tiny technical fouls, eh, Carl?

Carl: That's right, Bob.

(Todd begins choking and slamming his fist into his chest.)

Bob: Todd, what's wrong?

Carl: Is he having a heart attack? (Todd shakes his head.)

Pat: He looks like Andres Nocioni there!

Bob: Oh no! Todd is choking! Quick, do the Heimlich maneuver!

(Carl jumps up and throws his pork chop off the rim of the trash can, then clutches his arm as if he was fouled.)

Bob: Not the Hinrich maneuver! The Heimlich!

(Pat administers the Heimlich, and Todd coughs up a shower of peanuts.)

Todd: Sorry, I was so upset about the team that I ate those peanuts way too fast. Gotta remember to remove...da hulls!

All: Da Hulls!

Bob: That's all the time we have for tonight. Join us for our live broadcast during Game 3, where we're going to do our best not to cry. Now, what if Game 3 was played on the surface of the moon, but only the Bulls get space suits...

Suns vs. Spurs

Nash scored 31 but missed a crucial 45 seconds in the final minute because of the bloody cut on his nose, the result of a head-on collision with Parker with 2:53 to play. The cut required six stitches after the game.

A Conversation Between Tony Parker and Zinedine Zidane

(Phone rings)

Tony Parker: Bonjour?

Zinedine Zidane: Bonjour Tony. It's Zinedine. I just wanted to congratulate you on the game today.

Parker: Merci, Z. The Suns were tough, but we were lucky to steal a game on the road. Hopefully we can go all the way.

Zidane: I hope you can as well, though I feel sorry for poor Boris. By the way, nice job knocking out Nash. I never knew you had such a talent for the headbutt.

Parker: That was an accident. I felt terrible about Steve's nose.

Zidane: But of course it was an accident. You were blind with rage. Frustrated by him tweaking your nipple, perhaps, non?

Parker: Really, Zizou. I didn't mean to hurt him. In fact, he fouled me on the play.

Zidane: Yes, that was a nice touch when you fell down and pretended to be horribly injured after the play. The trainer even came out! Beautiful work, worthy of Ginobli himself. The perfect way to deflect suspicion.

Parker: I was stunned. I didn't even know where I was for a few minutes there.

Zidane: Of course. I understand. I know you cannot see me over the phone, but I am winking conspiratorially right now.

Parker: Listen, Zizou, I'm pretty tired after that game, so...

Zidane: A bit of advice Tony. Tell the media that Nash insulted your sister.

Parker: I don't have a sister.

Zidane: Eva Longoria, then. The key is, refuse to say what the insult was! Leave them guessing for months!

Parker: I really need to go.

Zidane: Was it an anti-Mexican remark? Did he cite the declining ratings of Desperate Houswives? A negative review of Señorita Justice? They will never know! You headbutt whomever you please!

Parker: I'm hanging up now.

Zidane: One more thing, Tony? If you get a chance, ask Steve for one of his Suns jerseys. I would like it for my sister.

Parker: (Dial tone)

For the second time this series, Stephen Jackson got an early start on his postgame shower. And again, the culprit was ... clapping...The official was standing down near the block, Jackson walked past him clapping, continued walking and continued clapping ... and at the time he got T'd up, he was looking and clapping in the opposite direction of the official.

From MJD at The Fanhouse

What Really Happened at the End of Game 5

(Stephen Jackson walks past Referee Ken Mauer while clapping.)

Referee Ken Mauer: That's a T. You're out of here, Jackson!

Golden State Fan: Let's go Warriors! (Clap-clap Clap-clap-clap) Let's go Warriors! (Clap-clap Clap-clap-clap)

Mauer: You're out of here, too, Golden State Fan!

(Security escorts Golden State Fan out of the arena.)

(Dallas fans applaud the ejection.)

Mauer: What the...I'll clear this whole arena, I swear to God!

Referee Jim Clark: Ken, there's only 8.9 seconds left. Let's just finish this game.

Mauer: I'm not going to tolerate this disrespectful crap!

Referee Bernie Fryer: Come on, game's almost over.

(Officials retire to the locker room.)

Fryer: What a game. I gotta unwind with some TV. I think Friends is on.

Clark: There's a mosquito in here.

(Fryer turns on the television. The Friends theme song plays.)

The Romantics: So no one told you life was gonna be this way (Clap-clap-clap-clap)

Mauer: That's it! You're out of here, Friends! (Mauer lunges for the remote control.)

Fryer: Whoa, Ken, calm down. I'll turn it off. Cuban set up a sound-activated system in here. (Claps off.)

Mauer: Are you disrespecting me, Bernie?!? You're out of here, Fryer!

Fryer: Ken, you can't eject me from the locker room.

Clark: This mosquito is driving me crazy!(Clark squashes the mosquito between his hands) Got him!

Mauer: Jim, you son of a bitch. How can you show me up like that? I thought we were a crew!

(Mauer lunges at Clark, hands grasping for Clark's throat. Fryer breaks up the fight.)

Fryer: What the hell are you doing, Ken? This is crazy behavior!

Mauer (sighs): I'm sorry guys. It's just...the results came back from the free clinic. I'd been getting this burning sensation when I pee. My testicles are painfully swollen. And there's a sporadic discharge from my penis.

Clark: And?

Mauer: It turns out I've got...the clap. And I guess I'm a little sensitive about it.

Clark: Oh, Ken. Why didn't you tell us?

Mauer: I was embarrassed.

Fryer: An STD is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just part of life on the road. In fact, I applaud you for your honesty.

Clark: Uh-oh.

Mauer: You applaud me? That's it, old man! You're going down!

It was a thrilling weekend of NBA playoff basketball. At Zembla, we've commissioned a mean twelve-year-old to comment on all the exciting series. He's in seventh grade and he's really pretty cruel - I started to cry twice just talking to him about the article, after making fun of my personal appearance and kicking me in the shins. Anyway, here it is:

A Seventh-Grade Bully Recaps the NBA Weekend

Golden State vs. Dallas

Look who lost two games in Oakland. It's "Dork" Nowitzki. I call him that because he's a dork. Yeah, I called you "Dork". What are you gonna do about it, Dork? Shoot a meaningless three when you're down five points? Or pass to your jerk friend Jerky Stackhouse? Dork.

Chicago vs. Miami

Congratulations, Miami, on another title: the championship of sucking. It was a sweep! If Alonzo Mourning doesn't retire after the season, maybe he can get a victory transplant.

New Jersey vs. Toronto

Toronto should go ahead and change their name to the Craptors, because that's what they play like. Crap-covered dinosaurs. If a real raptor saw Game 4, he'd be so disappointed, he'd try to eat T.J. Ford. Then Jason Kidd would hit the raptor with a cookie, and later buy the raptor some expensive jewelry to apologize.

Utah vs. Houston

"Tracy" is a girl's name, and Andrei Kirilenko is a crybaby.

Cleveland vs. Washington:

Why are you hitting yourself, Washington? Why are you hitting yourself? I'm not doing anything, but your whole team is still all hurt. Why are you hitting yourself? I didn't even watch this series, because LeBron James only plays LeBoring Games.

San Antonio vs. Denver

I think George Karl might have caught strategy cancer. Or butt cancer again.

Phoenix vs. Los Angeles

Way to go, Kobe Bryant! TNT named you "The Closer" of Game 4. The Closer premiering June 18th on TN...wait, I'm sorry. They actually named you "The Loser" of Game 4. The Loser is premiering...never, but I have a feeling the season finale is going to be set in Phoenix.

This blog sucks balls, fat boy.

(Editor's note: So mean!)