"This is a very unfortunate incident, but the rule is the rule. It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision."
-Stu Jackson, on suspending Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw
Stu Jackson, Traffic Cop
Jaywalking
(Robert Horry runs a red light in his Humvee, collides with Steve Nash in the crosswalk, and drives off. Boris Diaw steps off the curb and is apprehended by Officer Stu Jackson.)
Officer Stu Jackson: (Blows whistle) That's jaywalking, young man.
Diaw: My friend just got hit by a car!
Officer Jackson: The law states that, between adjacent intersections controlled by traffic control signal devices or by police officers, pedestrians shall not cross the roadway at any place except in a crosswalk.
Diaw: But I didn't even cross! I just took two steps off the curb!
Officer Stu Jackson: The law doesn't give me any discretion here. I'm going to have to give you a citation.
Diaw: Fine. Write the ticket. Can I at least go check on my friend?
Officer Stu Jackson: I'm pretty sure your friend is dead.
Diaw: What?
Officer Stu Jackson: Say, you think Stromile Swift can still develop into a good player, right?
The Fender-Bender
(Amare Stoudemire is stopped at an intersection. Bruce Bowen crashes his battered, banged-up jalopy into the back of Stoudemire's car, while honking his horn. Stoudemire gets out to confront Bowen.)
Amare Stoudemire: What the hell, man?
Bruce Bowen: Sorry. Totally unintentional.
Stoudemire: How did you not see me there?
(Officer Stu Jackson approaches the two men.)
Officer Stu Jackson: Whoa whoa whoa. What's going on here?
Stoudemire: He rear-ended me!
Bowen: I apologized to him. Just part of driving.
Officer Stu Jackson: I'm more concerned about you leaving your vehicle, Mr. Stoudemire. Let me see your registration. Mr. Bowen, you are free to go.
Bowen: Thank you, sir.
(Bowen hits Stoudemire in the groin with the car door, and drives off.)
Officer Stu Jackson: Looks like your taillight is out, too. This is going to cost you.
Stoudemire: That's not fair at all!
Officer Stu Jackson: Can I ask you a question? You'd give up the #2 pick in the draft for a 35-year-old Otis Thorpe, right?
The Sports Book
(Officer Stu Jackson enters, places large sack of cash on the counter.)
Officer Jackson: I'd like to bet $25,000 on the San Antonio Spurs to win the NBA title.
Cashier: Of course, sir.
Officer Jackson: By the way, you'd pay Bryant "Big Country" Reeves $10 million a year, right?
Cashier: Whatever you say, sir.
