In a tear-filled press conference earlier this week, Afghanistan complained of neglect from the United States Army. Whereas just a year ago, Afghanistan was the main priority for the US Army, now the nation seems like "an afterthought," the central Asian nation said.
"The Army doesn't care about me anymore," Afghanistan sniffed. "I used to be mentioned in the State of the Union address, angry UN resolutions, all kinds of stuff. Now I'm lucky if Tom Ridge even remembers my name. It's almost like the Army is ashamed of what we had."
There are still over a hundred thousand American troops in the country, but to Afghanistan, it's not just the military presence that counts. For months, it had begun to suspect that the Army's interest was waning, and that it was looking at other Muslim nations. When President Bush announced the imminent invasion of Iraq back in March, Afghanistan's worst fears were realized.
"It makes me sad to realize that, even in the midst of bombing Afghani civilians, the United States Army was thinking about Iraq. That's right, attacking me, while thinking of another country! I feel devastated. Emotionally devastated, not just devastated from all the bombs and rockets."
When the military action began, the United States talked about building democracy, repairing infrastructure, and catching the terrorists responsible for the World Trade Center disaster. When Afghanistan heard the same promises being made to Iraq, that broke its heart.
"I understand that Iraq is the United States Army's old enemy, and it's only natural that there's still a spark of aggression there," said Afghanistan. "Still, I hope they realize the US Army is all talk. Don't believe all those sweet words, Iraq."
Afghanistan claimed that Syria told it that the United States Army had been making military advances at its country during the fighting in Iraq. It added, "Everyone knows the US Army is using Iraq to try to get into Iran's panties anyway. But whatever, Iraq deserves it, that bitch."
Since the United States Army turned its attention elsewhere, Afghanistan has been moping around a lot, eating chocolate and watching "Sex and the City" episodes on DVD. For a while, Afghanistan considered trying to get Russia to invade, for old times' sake, in order make the US Army jealous. But when Russia sent a small platoon through Tajikistan last week, Afghanistan ran away crying, and later made a series of late-night drunken phone calls to Colin Powell.
"If the US Army would make an effort to show it cared, even just a little bit - strafing an outdoor market with machine gun fire, dropping explosives on a wedding party - at least that would be something."
"In my heart I just know the US Army will eventually come marching back", continued Afghanistan. "There's still a shitload of oil in Central Asia."
In response, the US Army released a statement that the United States does not display favoritism in its military efforts or intentionally lead on foreign nations. The United States Army is committed to fighting terrorism, building democracy, and playing the field, all around the globe. The Army added that it would probably come by Kandahar and pick up its Game Cube and its White Stripes CDs some time next week.