Parents of Honor Student Not Especially Proud
Contrary to the sentiment proclaimed by the sticker on the back bumper of their Nissan Pathfinder, parents Eric and Heidi Anderson are not overly proud of their honor student son, Tucker. Tucker, who achieved a 3.57 grade point average in the second quarter, received the bumper sticker along with a congratulatory certificate from the principal last month. The certificate was placed on the refrigerator, mostly obscured by a Pizza Hut delivery menu and an oversized American flag magnet.
"Yeah, he's technically an honor student, but let's be realistic," said Mr. Anderson. "This is seventh grade. We're not exactly talking about the Dean's List here."
Ms. Anderson pointed out the unchallenging nature of many of Tucker's classes. "He got 'A's in Introductory Spanish, PE, and Wood Shop. And judging by the state of that birdhouse in the backyard, his shop teacher is grading on a curve. Let's see how he does next year in Pre-Algebra, or trying to conjugate irregular verbs."
Both parents expressed that, while not disappointed in Tucker's academic performance, they would likely be prouder of athletic or social achievements. "Maybe if he was able to hit the damn ball out of the infield, that'd be something," remarked Mr. Anderson.
"Or maybe if he had a girlfriend," said Ms. Anderson. "Of course with his complexion, that's a pipe dream."
Examining the bumper of his Pathfinder more carefully, Mr. Anderson also admitted that his vehicle was not in fact protected by Smith and Wesson, and that even if schools had all the money they needed, it would be unfeasible for the Air Force to fund purchases of fighter planes by way of bake sales.