things doug eddings does when he isn't umpiring

PRIEST: If anyone here knows why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

(Silence. DOUG EDDINGS remains seated.)

PRIEST: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

(Bride and groom kiss. "Wedding March" plays. Bride and groom exit. Wedding guests pile into cars and drive to the wedding reception. DOUG EDDINGS sits alone in the church.)

DOUG EDDINGS: Wait! He doesn't love her!

DOUG EDDINGS: I'll take "Bad Umpiring" for $800, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK: The answer is: "In Game 5 of 1997's National League Championship Series, this home plate umpire's strike zone was nearly as large as his gut."

(DOUG EDDINGS buzzes in, clutching the buzzer and pumping his fist.)

ALEX TREBEK: Doug?

DOUG EDDINGS: Alex, I didn't buzz in. That was my signal that I heard and understood the question. I've been signaling like that the whole game.

ALEX: Judges? (Three beeps)

(DOUG EDDINGS is crouched behind his workbench, wearing safety goggles and a chest protector. The garage door opens and MRS. DOUG EDDINGS enters.)

MRS. DOUG EDDINGS: Honey, I'm home. (MRS. DOUG EDDINGS looks around at messy floor, strewn with chalk, dirt, and bags of resin.) I thought I asked you to sweep the garage this afternoon.

DOUG EDDINGS: I did sweep the garage.

MRS. DOUG EDDINGS: No, you didn't. Look at this mess. You never even touched the dirt.

DOUG EDDINGS: Yes I did touch the dirt! The mess has clearly changed direction!

MRS. DOUG EDDINGS: If you think that lame excuse is going to help you get to first base with me, think again, buster.

BILLY: Uno! You forgot to say it, Uncle Doug! Draw two!

DOUG EDDINGS: No! No! The rules clearly state that a player is allowed to non-verbally indicate he has only one card remaining! So, it's my turn, and I'm playing a Reverse, and I win!

BILLY: That's not fair! You're a cheater!

DOUG EDDINGS: Oh yeah, well, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE, Billy! (DOUG EDDINGS ejects Billy from the living room.)

DOUG EDDINGS: I'd like to wager $50,000 on the Chicago White Sox to win the World Series.