The Boston Celtics made a big trade with the Minnesota Timberwolves Thursday, swapping shooting guard Ricky Davis and disappointing center Mark Blount for Wally Szczerbiak and Michael Olowokandi. People who know more about basketball than I do can analyze the tradeoff between Wally's excellent shooting and Davis's superior defense. I am excited about the deal because it puts Boston that much closer to being able to throw up a whitewash.
It's a fact. Boston loves white basketball players. It could be the legacy of Larry Bird, or it could be a testament to the racism of the city, but Boston will rally around its white cagers like no other. It's part of the reason why Boston hired former Caucasian star Danny Ainge back in 2003, though it wasn't until this offseason that the snowstorm began. Ainge signed marginally-talented Caucasian Brian Scalabrine to a free agent contract. Supposedly, Ainge found it significant that Scalabrine has the same brain type as Larry Bird, Jerry West, and John Stockton. He certainly shares with those players a genetic resistance to sickle cell anemia, something Ainge also considers extremely significant.
Ainge then traded away Antoine Walker, and received seven-foot Caucasian Curtis Borchardt in return. Ainge also dealt for Caucasian point guard Dan Dickau. Adding those three players to the team's existing paleface, Raef LaFrentz, the Celtics had a ploddingly-slow, fundamentally-sound quartet with a combined vertical leap of six-and-a-half feet. They were achingly close, just one white shooting guard away from fulfilling every aging Bostonian racist's dream of an all-white starting lineup. No slam dunks, but plenty of crisp bounce passes and awkward high fives on the bench. As a concession to Boston racists who are also xenophobic, all four were American, which is a fairly amazing feat in today's NBA.
Unfortunately, Ainge's snow-white dreams were dashed when Borchardt proved to be too injured, and was waived. Dickau tore his Achilles tendon in mid-December. Approaching the midpoint of the season, the Celtics were 17-25, six games out of first place. More importantly, they were down to just two Caucasians. Clearly, they needed to make a move. When Ainge called Minnesota GM (and legendary Celtic Caucasian in his own right) Kevin McHale to discuss swapping Davis for Szczerbiak, they did just that.
Szczerbiak is a standout Caucasian, blessed with a sweet jump shot and a last name with a string of four consecutive consonants, including two Z's. His outside shooting ability once drew comparisons to Larry Bird, because every white wing player gets compared to Larry Bird. It's the law.
However, Olowokandi has been a disappointment after being selected first in the draft back in 1998. One would think there'd be little gain in acquiring the Kandi Man, until you consider that he was born in England. He may not be a Caucasian, but Ainge is betting that fans will rally around his British citizenship, if not his skin color.
The Celtics can't yet throw up the whitewash, but a group of Olowokandi, LaFrentz, Scalabrine, Szczerbiak, and point guard Delonte West would constitute a group where every member was either Caucasian, red-haired, or British. Not too bad. With Olowokandi's contract expiring at the end of the season, Boston would free up money to make a run at a free agent like Matt Harpring, or Joel Pryzbilla, or Vladimir Radmanovic, or Keith Van Horn. If Warriors GM Chris Mullin is paying attention, he'll get on the phone right now and see if Ainge will trade Paul Pierce and Al Jefferson for Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. Hell, Utah should argue that the suddenly-controversial Greg Ostertag
would look great in the green and white. If the Ainge plan comes to fruition, I will confidently state that next year's squad will be the most popular 30-win team in Celtics history.
I just wanted to add that Brian Scalabrine's "brain type" is actually a Jungian profile from the Myers-Briggs personality test. Some of you may have had to take it for work (or high school leadership). You answer questions like "Which word appeals to you more, analogy or sympathy?" Scalabrine is an ISTP, the third most common of the 16 "types" in men.
I think this doctor replaced their old talent evaluator, who analyzed each potential free agent signing based on the player's balance of blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile.
Dr. Brain Type makes over $200,000/year with the Celtics for making these brilliant observations, Christine. Perhaps you should consider doing consulting for professional sports teams?