crying

Adam Morrison got a lot of flak after his team, the Gonzaga Bulldogs, lost to UCLA last Thursday in the NCAA Tournament. Morrison played pretty well in this game, but committed the cardinal sin of bursting into tears on the court after UCLA took the lead. Afterward, newspapers and the sports blogs alike debated the crying issue, with the two sides of the issue being, essentially:

a) Leave him alone! He was sad!
b) Adam Morrison is a huge pussy

For the record, I do not think Adam Morrison is a pussy, and I can only barely grow a better mustache than him. Compare:

However, I do think I can teach him a thing or two about crying. When I used to play Little League baseball, I was no damn good at all, even when I was only seven or eight years old. At that age, I had only two baseball skills:

a) Knowing how a force play worked, and
b) Crying after my inevitable strikeout or weak ground ball to the pitcher

I was a crying expert. The backlash against Morrison might stem from his lack of experience with crying, and his subsequent lack of crying fundamentals. He made a lot of rookie mistakes.

No smokescreen

You have to realize that crying will make people think that you are a baby. Once the tears start flowing, be ready to suggest an alternate hypothesis. When Young Sean would get thrown out on a close play at first, sure, he'd sob, but he'd also shout, "It's my allergies! I have allergies!" as my embarrassed coach led me back to the dugout.

If Morrison had tried this tactic, there might have still been a national referendum on his tears and manliness. But I think at least one reporter might think, "Well, the pollen count was fairly high in the Oakland Arena last Thursday. Maybe it was really getting to Morrison."

Pretending to be hurt

Almost as good as faking an allergic reaction is faking an injury. This is not quite as ideal, since you are admitting to being enough of a baby that you cry when you get hurt. A mystery allergy is highly suspicious, but the resultant tears are essentially involuntary. Morrison may have thought of the injury gambit against UCLA, but he acted too slowly. After the final buzzer, Morrison collapsed to the floor sobbing, as if he'd blown out a knee or snapped his Achilles tendon.

Unfortunately, he was crying before the collapse. A seasoned crier knows you've got to clutch your knee, grimace in pain, and limp a little at the first sign of watery eyes. To his credit, Morrison stayed down a long time and he cried a whole lot, but that still create a plausible injury scenario.

Pretending to be sad about something else

The last option for Morrison was to pretend something else made him sad, like the illness of a pet or a sad movie. Crying over failure at an athletic contest is frowned upon, but imagine if Morrison had taken a different tack at his postgame press conference: "Luc Richard Mbah a Moute's game-winning layup affected me very deeply, because it reminded me of that scene in the The Notebook with all the geese."

So what if that doesn't make sense? Sometimes love doesn't make sense!

Wait until the game is actually over

Even Young Sean waited to be called out before bursting into tears on the diamond. Come on, Adam Morrison! There's three seconds left, buddy!