In honor of the fact that I’m guest blogging on Sean’s page because he is at a bar mitzvah in LA, I thought I would delve into my amazing store of knowledge (SOK—that’s totally coming back later as a pun) of Jewish customs and traditions.

Bar mitzvahs, as you may or may not be aware, do not involve cutting off any part of a boy’s penis. They do, however entail him becoming a man. Personally I feel this still probably has something to do with the penis because what is a man without one? A woman? Or possibly a eunuch. Bar mitzvahs do not celebrate eunuchs. Possibly castrati. The bar mitzvah boy does have to sing at one point after all. Though it might be considered chanting. It’s in Hebrew whatever it is. Thus, I don’t understand it. I do understand the foot-stomping good time of ‘Hava Nagila’ which I’ve had stuck in my head all morning as I thought about Sean in LA stepping on champagne flutes wrapped in a napkin and being hefted around in a chair with his bride by his side.

The other day I played the train game with two Jews (Jacob and Jason). I was describing to them the newest version coming out from Days of Wonder, the parent company. It’s set in Germany and is called Märklin after some famous mini-train company. The exciting thing about it is that it introduces passengers and cargo to the amazingly intricate play of being a train mogul.

Erica snidely snarked, ‘You know what that cargo is? Jews.’

Jacob said, ‘Och, Germany, the fatherland. Mein Gott im Himmel.’

And Erica replied, ‘Auf Wiedersehen, mein morning message.’

Which has to do with her job as a K/1 teacher and nothing to do with Jews. Or bar mitzvahs for that matter (that SOK pun? Still coming). Jason, the other Jew playing trains, probably said something pithy. Or possibly, he just snorted whiskey out of his nose as he did with tea when I said, ‘HE fancies the cooch.’ while watching Carnivàle. I’m willing to bet that boys who haven’t passed their bar mitzvah yet fancy the cooch even before they can be religiously termed ‘men’. But it’s like Trix™, that cooch, and not for them.

We then made some inappropriate jokes about Knob.

Have you ever considered the fact that Jason is a Middle Eastern Jew and Jacob is a European Jew? Why are they friends? I think we should have a bar mitzvah battle where they fight to the death. In creamed corn. If only they had no penises and were sexy, sexy women.

My SOK needs some serious darning to fill in the holes (PUN!!!). I totally compared bar mitzvah boys to rabbits, didn’t I? Hopefully when Sean comes home to Zembla he will set the record straight about what really goes on at a bar mitzvah. But until that day of post-dating comes, you have Cassie and Christine still to look forward to, folks. And I am out of here. -Michele