flashback 2002: low-ride bond

(Flashbacks are a new feature on Zembla where we revisit old comedic scribbles unearthed from various notebooks and post-it notes that sit in a box on Sean's desk. Flashbacks remind us of jokes we once almost wrote, people we once almost were, stars we once nearly touched.)

Flashback #1

Indeterminate Fall Month, 2002

I didn't see Die Another Day, or the Bond movie that came out before it, but Pierce Brosnan is clearly on his way out as James Bond. It will be a big deal when someone finally gets chosen, and they'll suggest every living British-accented actor as a replacement until then, but who really cares? It might be fun to watch Ewan McGregor's weight fluctuate from scene to scene, or even shot to shot, like in The Phantom Menace.

Instead, I'd like to see them go a completely different direction. A new secret agent who knows the new economic realities of our era. A cut-rate Bond for a cut-rate movie franchise. No more wanton destruction. Bond's secret pen will be really good at paperwork - it never goes dry or scratches the forms. Brilliant, Q!

Scene: Bond struts into an Atlantic City casino, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. He approaches the bartender:

Bond: Martini. Float some vermouth on top of a bunch of Winner's Cup gin. Serve it in an old jam jar with big chunks of ice and two black olives. Don't bother stirring it.

Bartender: Of course, sir. Can I see some ID?

Bond: Here. This is a Sam's Club card. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be nursing this drink while playing nickel slots for the next 2-3 hours.