I watched the Danson-Guttenberg-Selleck classic Three Men and a Little Lady last week, which I discussed extensively over at Sean Keane Comedy Dot Com. The most striking thing about the film is probably Tom Selleck's wardrobe, which includes a pullover sweater that says "Wild Child" on it and three-piece suits. Next is Selleck's impeccably-groomed mustache, facial hair that looks like it's from a different era. In fact, it most reminds me of Daniel Plainview, Daniel Day-Lewis's character from There Will Be Blood.

They both love orphans, too! What if Daniel Plainview had been one of the Three Men instead of Selleck?

There Will Be Little Lady

Scene One

(The THREE MEN assemble to sing the Little Lady a lullaby.)

Jack & Michael: (singing) Good night sweetheart, well, it's time to go. Good night sweetheart, well, it's time to go.

Daniel Plainview: I'm not going to sing.

Jack: Come on, Daniel!

Michael: She'll never go to bed otherwise.

Daniel Plainview: (grimacing) Fine. Just give me the harmony part. Give me the harmony part!

Jack: Fine.

Jack & Michael: (singing) Well, it's three o'clock in the morning.

Daniel Plainview: It's three o'clock. Yes.

Mary: Sing louder, Daniel!

Daniel Plainview: It's three o'clock in the morning! Three o'clock! I've abandoned my bachelor lifestyle! I'VE ABANDONED MY BACHELOR LIFESTYLE!

Scene Two

(Daniel Plainview slaps Michael in the face, over and over again, knocking him into the dirt, for four-and-a-half minutes straight)

Daniel Plainview: Don't ever be late to pick her up from day care again.

Scene Three

(Mary and Daniel Plainview sit together on a plane bound for England.)

Mary: But I don't want to go to England, Daniel! I'm going to miss everyone.

Daniel Plainview: Your mother is getting married, you have to go. Besides, all you have to do is imagine, and we'll be there. Close your eyes. Can you see us?

Mary: No.

Daniel Plainview: Look closer. Can you see us now?

Mary: Yeah.

Daniel Plainview: What are we doing?

Mary: Michael is drawing, Jack is looking in the mirror, and you are buying up land at cheap prices for oil speculation...

(As she speaks, Daniel Plainview gets up and walks out of the plane. His associate sits down in his seat.)

Mary: ...and you're calling Jack a charlatan and a false prophet. Hey, where did Daniel go? And what happened to my milkshake?

Scene Four

Daniel Plainview: Mary, let me tell you something. You were a bastard from a basket.

Mary: I know that. My mom left me on your doorstep.

Daniel Plainview: I just needed a sweet face to buy land. You were a BASTARD from a BASKET. There's none of me in you.

Mary: Daniel, Jack is my biological father. You know that.

Daniel Plainview: Bastard from a basket, bastard from a basket! You're a bastard from a basket!

(Daniel Plainview walks away muttering, chugging whiskey and throwing bowling pins haphazardly.)

Mary: Does this mean no rapping lullaby tonight?