arnold runs for box office glory


Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor, and Hollywood is ready! Even if Arnold doesn't make it to the state capital, he'll have plenty of roles to choose from among these proposed special-election-themed motion pictures.

Civics Class Cop: LAPD detective John Kimble (Arnold) is on the trail of a killer (Gary Coleman), but his only lead is the California high school that the killer's son attends. Comedy ensues as Kimble tries to find his man while explaining all about the California state constitution, with the help of his pet ferret (Darrell Issa). Eventually, Kimble faces an even bigger challenge than solving a murder case: pronouning the word "gubernatorial."

Sample dialogue:

Student: Mr. Kimble, I heard a rumor that you were going to run for governor.
Kimble: It's not a rumor!

Conan the Libertarian: When Conan (Arnold) was just a child, his parents were killed by socialist tax collectors. He was brought up by Mongol economists, who trained him in the ways of monetary policy, laissez-faire capitalism, and swordplay. Now Conan is taking revenge on his left-wing enemies with an assault on the state capital. Screenplay by Harry Browne.

Creditor: A group of GOP commandos (Schwarzenegger, Richard Riordan, Bill Simon) is dispatched to the wilds of Sacramento to rescue the hopelessly gridlocked state legislature. But once they arrive, they find their reform programs slowly being picked off, one by one, by a deadly invisible killer: the $40 billion dollar budget deficit. Can tough talk, IOUs, and after-school physical fitness programs kill this monster? Co-starring Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Sample dialogue:

Richard Riordan: The state treasury is bleeding money!
Arnold: It don't have time to bleed!

Terminator 2: Election Day: A cyborg is sent back in time to gather signatures for a recall campaign. Opposing him is the most sophisticated, amoral, cold-blooded fundraising machine in world history: the G1000, Governor Gray Davis.

Sample dialogue:

Arnold: I'll be back... to submit the petition to the Secretary of State for certification, so that he will have to certify a new election within 60 days, unless those 60 days are within a month of the regularly scheduled November election.

The Last Political Action Committee: No word yet on what the complicated plot of this one might be, but it will likely be only marginally popular, while costing tens of millions of dollars.

True Lies: Arnold stars is a secret agent with a double life. While his wife believes he's a boring, Humvee-driving action movie star, he is secretly a powerful politician. Now he faces his most difficult assignment yet: convincing the people of California that the Democratic governor is to blame for the Republican deregulation of the energy industry. With Jamie Lee Curtis as the wife who sells out her family's political legacy to help her conservative husband get elected.

Total Recall: Get it? He's running in the recall election? If he wins, Gray Davis will get totally recalled. That's the title - Total Recall! Get it?

Sample dialogue:

Arnold: I would like to take an imaginary vacation to Sacramento.
Technician: This joke is unoriginal, Mr. Keane.


somebody let kenny byerly into the total recall joke.

I feel like Tony Gwynn right now. Would more exclamation points help?

can you ever really lose with exclamation marks?

No way! No sir!! Touchdown!!!

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on August 13, 2003 2:02 PM.

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