About Zembla

Who the hell are you?

My name is Sean Keane. I'm a stand-up comic and writer living in San Francisco. I've performed with such comedy greats as Dave Attell, Jim Short, Al Madrigal, Brent Weinbach, Brian Malow, and Arj Barker. Back in December of 2005, I won the first-ever "Iron Comic" stand-up competition, where comedians write a routine in 10 minutes from topics suggested by the audience, and I performed in Iron Comic during SF Sketchfest in February of 2008. In 2007, I created and hosted the Heuristic Squelch Comedy Experience, a monthly standup showcase in Berkeley. Places I've performed include the Punchline Comedy Club in SF, SF Comedy Club, The Purple Onion, Edinburgh Castle, UC Berkeley, Stanford University, the Barn Theater at UC Santa Cruz, San Francisco State University, Sonoma State University, The Make-Out Room, and Tommy T's. I've written for ESPN the Magazine, had pieces run on to McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and also the old Modern Humorist site. Formerly, I was editor-in-chief of UC Berkeley's fine humor magazine, The Heuristic Squelch. I have a regular grown-up job now, but in the past I worked in a children's museum, and as a swim coach. Some of my writing will reflect the influence of small children and speech impediments.

What is Zembla, anyway?

Zembla is a "distant northern land" in Vladimir Nabokov's Pale Fire, which is most likely only a delusion in the mind of the book's deranged narrator. In its own way, this site is also just an imaginary location, defined only by its inventor's unchecked digressions.

Are you the Sean Keane?

That depends on which Sean Keane you're thinking of. There is a whole world of Sean Keanes out there, of which I am but one. I try to acquit myself as an honorable representative of Sean Keanes and Sean Keanedom worldwide.

Do you write humorous posts about sports on a regular basis?

Yes. Perhaps you'd enjoy some of the selections below:

• How Terrell Owens Could become Even More Hated
• Things Doug Eddings Does When He Isn't Umpiring
• How Barry Bonds Could Piss Off Fans Even More
• Matt Herges and Dustin Hermanson Get New Jobs
• USA Finishes Third In BCS Rankings
• A Poetic Look at the First Two Games of the National League Division Series Between the San Francisco Giants and the Florida Marlins
• The Mailman Doesn't Deliver On Sundays

How about other posts that your readers have enjoyed throughout the years?

• Sizing Up The Competition: Sean Keanes From Around the World
• My Election Night Journal
• Your Guide To Avoiding Drugstore Embarrassment
• Asian-American Children's Names: Just White People's Names From The 50s?
• Henry David Thoreau, Newlywed
• Scenes From The Matrix, Rewritten As If The Matrix Were My Apartment, Ward Street D
• Bop-It: An Emotional Journey In Five Photos
• Como Se Llamas Tus Llamas?
• The Worst Songs Of All time, Part 1: The Girl Is Mine
• Top Five Rejected Lyrics From Bryan Adams' "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?"
• A Heartwarming Tale of Easter
• My Relationship With Jesus Is Strictly Business
• What Kind Of A Restaurant Doesn't Have Vermouth?
• Adventures In Tolkien Nerdery
• Sean Nitpicks Things That Everyone Likes, Part 1: Back To The Future
• Warren G, You Useless, Useless Bastard
• An Open Letter To The Guy Standing Behind Me At The Ben Folds Concert

You say you used to work with children. Can I find any cute stories about children on this page?

• Goodbye Is Not a Good Enough Word, So I'll Just Say Fare Thee Well
• Pecking And Kicking With Dimitri
• Sara and Sami and The Dump

What about pieces that you've written for other publications and web sites?

From McSweeney's:

• Campaign Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running For President In 1848
• Scenes From A Blockbuster Action Movie Featuring A Technology Expert With Approximately My Own Real Life Skill Level

From The Heuristic Squelch:

• Sean Keane Archive
• The Continuing Adventures of Bi-Curious Frankenstein
• Hipsters Rally Around Bush
• Childhood Jokes Rewritten As Editorial Commentary On American War Criminals
• Frustrating Moments In The Life Of Tikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo
• Scenes From Quentin Tarantino's 1994 Hit Pulp Fiction If It Were Rewritten As An Educational Film About Dinosaurs
• The Adventures of Ishi, Last of His Tribe
• Super Mario Savio