game strategies

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(Inspired by this)



I came up with a Killer App for this game by accident - sort of a desperate attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of owning only the Mediterranean-Baltic pair and the violet trifecta. I won't go into detail, and it's really a horrible, tedious way to play and win. But win you will, unless you're playing with a Free Parking jackpot, or some kind of anarchist Habitat-for-Humanity-back-of-the-box-rules-not-respecting Philistines, in which case you won't, but people won't hate you. Out of respect for everyone's future enjoyment of Monopoly, I will decline to state said Killer App, but dude, you would lose to me. I don't know what happens if two players try to use this same Killer App at the same time. Maybe it just comes down to the railroads, then.


It's not always who has the best hand, but figuring out who has what, and who might be bluffing. It helps to create a small "cheat sheet" listing people's bids, shorthand codes for possible cards in opponents hands, and a small, fold-out sheet listing the probability matrix for any two-or-three-card hand, adjusted for wild cards and number of opponents. Your fellow players might resent waiting 5-10 minutes for you to decide whether to raise or not, but the payoff is well worth it.

Hungry Hungry Hippos:

Somewhat counter-intuitively, the skinniest hippo is generally *not* the hungriest. The fattest hippo didn't get that way by accident. If you don't get the fattest hippo, you might as well stop playing right there.


Refer to the game as "My Bad!" Choose the blue pieces.

Free Cell:

Don't let that King psych you out. You can't fall for his shoulder fake, his little hip shimmy to distract you from the move you need to make to free up that second black four. Watch his eyes. Watch that clever bastard's eyes.


G-7. It's a hit? Yeah, that's what I thought.


Count "1" for cards 2-6. Subtract "1" for 10-A. 7-9 are neutral. Bet a lot when the count is positive, and bet less when the count is negative. Or, bring your estranged autistic brother to Vegas with you, and buy him a suit. Just don't drive on the freeway, don't gamble in the afternoon during prime syndicated television hours, and make sure the goddamn syrup is on the table before the pancakes arrive.

Be aware, a Killer App strategy is much better when opponents do not realize you're using such a strategy. My advice would be to follow the cold-blooded, grueling consistency of your strategy, while pretending to be consumed with superstition. Blow on the dice. Refuse to move an inch from your "lucky spot" when you're winning. When pushing chips forward, make reference to Saturn's hard energy and other favorable astrological elements. Flip a coin before "deciding" whether to hit or stand each round. Accuse other players, the dealers, people's pets, the waitress, your girlfriend, someone else's girlfriend, and the concept of negativity itself of jinxing you. Annoy them with your personality, not your winnings.

Also, in card games, wearing a heavy jacket indoors will allow you to drop and substitute many cards undetected*. I have won many an UNO game in this manner.

I hope this helps.

*Will not work in Las Vegas.

1 Comment

i have now gone through zembla and re-read every single post (except some of the sports ones) on company time. i think i am owed some kind of new post as a reward. i promise to read it at least twice.

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on December 3, 2003 4:49 PM.

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