dustin hermanson and matt herges get new jobs


(After their poor performances this season down the stretch, San Francisco Giants closers Matt Herges and Dustin Hermanson will surely be seeking other employment. Where, you might ask? Read on, friends.)

Adult Movies

HERGES: So you spread your fingers like this, Destiny, and put pressure on the ball with your fingertips.

DESTINY: Don't you mean "balls"?

HERGES: Excuse me?

DESTINY: Anyway, thanks for the tip, Matt. I still think the knuckle curve sounds like it would be painful.

HERGES: Maybe a little bit, but in my experience, it's important to change speeds. Say, did you see where my friend Dustin Hermanson went?

DESTINY: I think he's on set with our featured actor, fluffing.

HERGES: "Fluffing"? What's that?

DESTINY: It means he's blowing the lead.


FIRE CHIEF: Hermanson, get over here and grab this hose!

HERMANSON: Chief, I was thinking. Instead of spraying water directly at the blaze, why don't we aim about a foot to the right?

FIRE CHIEF: That's idiotic, Hermanson.

HERMANSON: Over and over again, spray after spray, just outside of where the water needs to go. That's a good strategy, isn't it?

FIRE CHIEF: Just grab the goddamn hose, Hermanson! And where the hell is Herges?

HERMANSON: He's throwing buckets of gasoline into the burning building.


HERMANSON: Is that wrong?

Real Estate

RICHARD ROMA: Look, the statute says that you can change your mind three working days from the time the deal is closed. Which, wait a second, which is not until the check is cashed. Whats the earliest the check could have been cashed?

JAMES LINGK: Today, I guess.

ROMA: So, you have three business days to . . . (Office manager FELIPE ALOU approaches ROMA, waves right hand.) You're taking me out?

ALOU: Herges is going to close the deal. (ROMA hands ALOU his briefcase, walks out. MATT HERGES enters.)

HERGES: How's it going?


HERGES: (pause) You know we sold you some worthless Florida swampland, right?

LINGK: Wha- what did you say?

HERGES: Yep, worthless. Also, we already cashed your check, last night.

LINGK: I - I gotta go! (LINGK runs out)

ROMA: You stupid fucking asshole, Herges! You just cost me six thousand dollars and a Cadillac! You fucking child. I'm going to the restaurant! (ROMA exits)

HERGES: (to ALOU) Is this be a bad time to tell you that me and Hermanson robbed the office last night?

ALOU: You mean, you took the good leads? The Glengarry leads?

HERGES: That's right. All the leads are all gone, because of us.


PRESIDENT BUSH: What my opponent does not acknowledge is that my economic program has helped millions of wealth-, er, ordinary Americans. We must ensure that America remains prosperous, and the way to do so is through a bold and fair tax relief plan.

JIM LEHRER: Mr. Hermanson, you have 90 seconds for rebuttal.

(HERMANSON steps off podium. Paces around. Picks up rosin bag and drops it. Tugs cap. Returns to podium.)

HERMANSON: Could Jim Brower answer this one for me instead?

JIM LEHRER: I'm afraid not, Mr. Hermanson. You still have 75 seconds.

HERMANSON: Um . . . Tax . . . relief. Relieving . . . taxes. Relief. (Pause) Not my best area. OK. (Deep breath) The American people need to give the IRS a free pass, no, a series of free passes, to raise taxes as much as they want, until our economic recovery is irrevocably lost, and the hopes of America's fans are horribly, horribly dashed.

(CROWD boos)

HERMANSON: I'm sorry. Octavio Dotel prepped me for this debate. Just vote for Bush, I guess. I'm hitting the showers.


JUNIOR LIFEGUARD: Come quick, Mr. Herges! Dustin Hermanson can't breathe!

HERGES: What happened?

JUNIOR LIFEGUARD: I'm not sure. He was eating hamburgers with Lance Berkman, and all of the sudden, his face started turning blue, just like last month with Andruw Jones.

HERGES: You mean . . . ?

JUNIOR LIFEGUARD: Yes. Dustin Hermanson is choking. Again.

HERGES: Hang on, buddy! Here comes the ol' Heimlich maneuver. (HERGES wraps his hands around HERMANSON's throat and begins strangling him. HERMANSON struggles briefly, then collapses.) No! Why, God, why? (In frustration, HERGES throws his whistle through the air at 85 MPH, in a straight line.)


HERGES: I'm afraid not. Just like the woman last week who hit her head on the diving board and died, or the kid who drowned in the baby pool yesterday, or that game where I gave up two home runs in the ninth inning against the Rockies, this is another blown save for Matt Herges.

JUNIOR LIFEGUARD: Gosh, how do you still have a job?

HERGES: Peter Magowan is too cheap to hire a competent replacement.


It's not that all the other sections aren't good... it's just that reading the "Adult Movies" section was almost a religious experience.

they're all fucking pricelessly hysterical. because they're true. which makes them profoundly unfunny at the same time. it's some kind of crazy paradox thingie....

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