cinematic disasters, as managed by george w. bush


Independence Day

(Pilots are assembling on the tarmac, when President Bush appears, clad in a flight suit.)

PILOT: Mr. President!

PRESIDENT BUSH: All right boys. Let’s do it.

PILOT: Sir – you’re going to attack the aliens with us?

BUSH: Nope. I just need you to pose for a few photos with me. Won't take a minute.

Return of the Jedi

(Han Solo and Lando Calrissian stand in front of a banner advertising the Endor Relief Telethon)

HAN SOLO: The Battle of Endor has devastated this once-beautiful forest planet. Storm troopers on speeders and exploding shield generators did extensive damage, leaving many residents of Endor homeless. Now, more than ever, these people need your help, to rebuild their lost treetop homes. Please donate to the--

LANDO CALRISSIAN: George Bush doesn't care about Ewoks!


(President Bush addresses a crowd of reporters.)

BUSH: As you all know, Titanic, the ship of dreams, has hit an iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean. Forces assisting in the rescue effort will be arriving in two to three days to help the waterlogged passengers. But first, I want to thank the crew members on the Titanic assigned to watching for icebergs. We've got some courageous sailors working those lookout shifts, and the nation thanks you. The good news is – and it's hard to see it now – the good news is that out of this sinking ship is going to come a new and better class of unsinkable luxury ocean liners. I pledge, right now, that the Coast Guard will find Trent Lott's lifeboat, and we will rebuild his first class stateroom. And I'm looking forward to sharing a drink with him there, while the Irish stay below-decks, where they belong. Again, I want to thank the crew of the Titanic – Captain Smith, you're doing a heck of a job.


AIDE: So, the team will drill into the asteroid and detonate an explosive charge, which should throw the asteroid off its collision course with the Earth. It's a desperate plan, sir, but we only have a few days until the asteroid hits.

BUSH: Sounds good. Have Cheney call Halliburton and set it up.

AIDE: Actually, Mr. President, we have already selected an eclectic, ragtag group of roughneck drillers to carry out the mission.

BUSH: I trust Halliburton. Halliburton does good work.

AIDE: With all due respect, sir, the Halliburton Corporation simply does not have the drilling expertise for a job like this. In fact--

BUSH: Look, my vacation ends next week. We can talk more about it when I'm back from the ranch.


KEVIN COSTNER: I don’t understand. How did the budget get up to $215 billion?

BUSH: Our intelligence indicated that the Craft Services table was at risk for insurgency attacks.

KEVIN COSTNER: That doesn’t make any sense.

BUSH: We stand by our intelligence. Rest assured, Universal Pictures, we will not cut and run from this motion picture.


nice work. I think this could potentially work as part of a stand up routine.

But that would require doing a GW impression and I just don't think Sean could ever look that stupid.

Yea you would have to do a GW impression but it's not that difficult. You could just rip off Jon Stewarts crappy impression to some degree. All you need is something passable enough not to ruin the joke.

Aaron: I have a GW impression which is probably a little better than Stewart's.

Kristina: You have no idea how stupid I can look. =)

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on November 14, 2005 10:50 AM.

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