the table of bad jerseys

Three weeks ago, I found myself at a Marina sports bar for the epic Patriots-Colts matchup. The game lived up to the hype, as both teams played like champions. We did our part to drink like champions, and as the Sunday Night Cowboys-Eagles game approached, my companions and I were still sitting, sipping water and speculating about whether Tommy Brady's mediocre first half performance was due to a fight with Gisele.

As a Pats fan in a Randy Moss jersey walked toward the exit, and Annie slapped him five, a curious group occupied the table in front of us. It was a motley group of football enthusiasts with an even motlier collection of jerseys. Here was the lineup, clockwise from the seat closest to the giant TV:

- Skinny white guy in 49ers Alex Smith jersey.
- Drunk girl in too-tight, pink, Donovan McNabb Eagles jersey.
- Large man in what looked like a homemade Dallas Cowboys imitation-jersey t-shirt, with a list of Dallas championship years on the back.
- Filipino man with a shaved head and an earring, wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and a Michael Vick jersey.

It was the sports bar equivalent of the Island of Misfit Toys Not one of those jerseys should have been worn in public, and the fact that all four were at the same table defied probability. Perhaps they met in a Shameful Jerseys Yahoo group and decided to meet up. These were one step above wearing a USC Trojans OJ Simpson jersey, and a half-step below rocking one of those half-Giants, half-A's baseball shirts. Even in the douchebag-rich environment of the Marina District, these people stood out as really big douchebags.

The Vick jersey was by far the most objectionable. "What kind of message is he trying to send?" mused Annie.

"He's saying, 'I don't even want to talk to a woman today'", I replied. "What do you think the Bluetooth is for?"

"Dogfighting updates," said Annie.

"I say, hands-free phone calls to other douchebags."

On TV, Donovan McNabb threw an ill-advised interception. Vick Jersey and Dallas T-Shirt leaned over to taunt Pink McNabb Girl, while Alex Smith Jersey spilled his beer, probably due to his unusually small hands. By cheering for the Cowboys, Vick Jersey had nearly doubled his douchebag quotient, and was just a backwards Red Sox cap and some Kobe Bryant armbands away from reaching a new pinnacle of assholery. We got the hell out of there before any spilled over onto us.

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on December 3, 2007 11:10 PM.

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