Ratings
Kati Voluntine
Cheese: B
Very tasty and spreadable. Miss Voluntine obviously inherited her cheese sophisitication from the classy, Kiwi side of the family, and not her gangbanger father. Still, one wonders, why the unnecessary shredded nuts on top of the otherwise-lovely cheese ball?
Wine: B-
The 2000 Amberhill Chardonnay was pleasantly drinkable, but we've seen stronger efforts from Miss Voluntine in the past. Admittedly, the wine may have been a victim of hype, after the freezer saga. And Miss Voluntine's underagedness gave this wine tasting a rebellious flavor, evoking memories of 1996, Mark Luna's house, and that one bum that lived under a bridge right by the DVC Safeway who bought us alcohol when we couldn't get Gene to hook us up. Gene's booze stash remained cloaked in irony outside the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints in Pleasant Hill.
Approval of meatloaf: A
Miss Voluntine deserves credit here not only for her effusive praise of the Keane-created meatloaf, but also for her bravery. Years after being traumatized by watching her mother violently kneading meatloaf ingredients in a bowl, she made a triumphant return to the 'loaf this evening, going so far as to have a second ketchup-covered helping. Welcome back to flavor country, Miss Voluntine.
Drawing of the Supercow: D
The so-called "Supercow" lacked any qualities which might readily identify it as one of the bovine species. Of particular concern to this observer were the cow's puppy-like ears, non-existent udders, and gravity-defying cape. If this is supposed to be the ubercow, then I'm switching to soy milk. If Nietzsche were a cow, he'd be spinning in his grave. And mooing.
Double-jointed thumb trick: A-
Really cool, especially the part where the thumb is bent way back so it looks like there's only a tiny little thumb nub there. Double bonus credit given for the smooth segue into stories about people with missing fingers, particularly the schoolteacher with mutant fingers who constantly kept her hand in motion. Downgraded from an A+ only because the thumb trick is still a little bit gross.
Funky half-cursive writing: C+
Half-cursive, sure, but funky? George Clinton might disagree with this characterization, one thinks.
In fairness, this critic originally thought Miss Voluntine had described her handwriting as "fakey half-cursive." It may have been difficult for even the most entertaining handwriting to live up to the brief fantastic imaginations such a phrase creates in some minds. This critic also notes that he will likely continue writing predominantly in capital letters, though not typing in said manner unless attempting to convey the impression of yelling.
Also, Miss Voluntine's umlaut was lovely.
Gene Wood
Overall: A-
Mr. Wood was superb. Charming, dashing, and proud to be an American. This may have been an "A+" had he not put A-1 Steak Sauce on his steamed broccoli. Aside from that, an all-around stellar effort. Huzzah and happy birthday to Mr. Wood.
I move that Mr. Wood's grade be raised to a solid A, simply for the restraint he displayed in not drinking the steak sauce directly from the bottle.
Amen. Give him an A. It's his freakn' birthday, for cry'n out loud.
i fully support the cheese ball shredded nut penalty. like brownies, cheese balls are perfectly palatable without nuts, and the addition of nuts should be used with grave discretion.
however, i move that the double-jointed thumb trick grade be raised to a solid A. indeed, the raison d'etre of a double-jointed trick is the grossing of out, and thus penalizing on those very grounds is indefensible.
I contest holohan's anti-nut advisory. We all know he's just allergic to them. But you know what, holohan? Some of us are allergic to the thumb trick. So there.
I think there's an insult in here somewhere involving deez nuts, but I'm not looking for it.