Recently, the boundaries of advertising have shifted. Or, possibly, without cable television in my apartment, I am simply more easily shocked by the style and content of the ads thrown in my path through e-mail and regional sports programming. Questions:
1) Since when is it OK to be pitching hard liquor on television? Did the laws change, or was it just a sudden, across-the-board shift in network policy? At first, I thought companies were advertising the malt liquoresque knockoff drinks like Smirnoff Ice and the Captain Morgan's-brand-girl-beer in order to also hype the parent alcohol product. But now, I regularly see TV spots for Jack Daniel's, usually promoting the whiskey's age and quality.
The kicker is that each ad carries the tagline, "Enjoy responsibly." I'm not sure if there's really a "responsible" manner in which to consume Jack Daniel's, especially if the target whiskey drinker was inspired by a commercial airing before the 8th inning of a Giants-Expos clash. Really, a more functional tagline would be "Enjoy as responsibly as possible, while drinking 80 proof alcohol," or "Beer before liquor, never be sicker," or even "Please do not wet your pants."
2) In the pornographic spam e-mail I receive, why must the girls advertised be both Barely Legal and also residents of Third World countries? Regular American cum-guzzling sluts are apparently run-of-the-mill and ordinary; the porno spam community demands underage AND underprivileged erotic models. Does the simple act of masturbation have to involve a fucking Development Studies lecture?
3) Did I miss the breakthrough in the field of penis-enlargement technology that happened sometime in early 2002? All of the sudden, the AM airwaves and my in-box are constantly casting aspersions on my manhood, my ability to please a woman, and even my ability to go into a locker room with my dignity intact. Ron Jeremy's Law states that penis-enlargement power will double every 18 months, so I shouldn't be too surprised. I guess I didn't realize how dedicated these penis researchers were, working round-the-clock in their quest to aid the men and women of America.
On a more personal note, I don't believe in using penis-enlargement products that have been tested on animals, because that's just wrong. Unless it was like a tooth-whitening, penis-growing multi-vitamin with ephedra in it. How about it, penis scientists?
4) Why does the little boy look so scared in the Uniroyal Nail Guard commercials that run ceaselessly on Fox Sports Net telecasts? He's sitting in the back, his mom survives a flat tire, and he's clearly terrified. Huge, staring eyes, and trembling hands while the other children cheer. No one noticed this in any stage of production? Is this supposed to scare mothers and fathers into getting some goddamn nail protection for their goddamn tires? Seriously, maybe Child Protective Services needs to look at the dailies from that shoot.
5) Is Wendy's involved with the Mafia? First the "Where's the Beef" lady dies, and now Dave Thomas bites it. You're telling me this is a coincidence? Plus, the burgers are fucking square. Something sinister has got to be going on here, OK?