zembla goes east, part 2: the harvard teen girl squad

On my first night in Boston, I attended an event celebrating a book done by Monica Fitzpadrick's roommate's GSI, in conjunction with Howard Zinn. We didn't get to meet Zinn, just snack on pastries and enjoy the housemaster's quarters until we got bored. Our next stop was purportedly a cocktail party thrown by a Harvard ladies' society. Much to my surprise, it was actually a meeting of the Cambridge, Massachusetts Teen Girl Squad!

I was introduced to Legacy, What's-her-Major, Political Daughter, and The Ugly One right away. They offered me a "cocktail," meaning, a glass of pink wine.

"Hey guys, let's go drink some WHITE ZINFANDEL!", shouted Legacy.

"SO GOOD!", shouted the others, and the cocktail party was on. I sat there, stunned and nodding, as the best and the brightest of our nation debated hairstyles and Friendster profiles. Political Daughter thought she should straighten her hair. She explained, "I think I have a chance with this guy from Tufts," before a large sack labelled "NO YOU DON'T" fell from the ceiling and smashed her.

Monica, a possible initiate into the ladies society, listened patiently as What's-her-Major talked music. "Don't you think the soundtrack to 'Forrest Gump' is SO GOOD?" she asked. Monica blinked away tears and poured another glass of the Zinfandel.

What's-her-Major wasn't done yet. Her "Public Schools Please" T-shirt heaving, she continued. "I like this song about San Francisco. You're from San Francisco, right?" Before Monica had a chance to suppress her usual drunken drawl, a large bird squawked "IVY LEAGUE'D!" and carried What's-her-Major off towards UMass.

I had had enough. I grabbed the thoroughly soused Miss Fitzpadrick and yanked her to her feet. Behind me, The Ugly One was discussing her high school education. The last thing I heard before the door shut behind us was, "If you go to a second-rate boarding school, you die of starvation."

It was over!