The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended upstart wide receiver Terrell Owens after he bad-mouthed the team, the organization, and Donovan McNabb in a recent interview, one day after getting into a fistfight with one of the team’s assistant coaches. Zembla reported on Owens‛s performance for the 49ers back in 2003, so this page is quite familiar with his fanciness, surliness, wussiness, and increasingly less-frequent awesomeness. He‛s obviously a great player, as he showed in the Super Bowl, and even more obviously an asshole.
Still, Zembla feels that T.O. has not quite reached his full potential. He‛s pretty hated right now, definitely Pro Bowl-caliber hatedness, but he has a unique opportunity to achieve Hall of Fame hatedness this year. Below is a hypothetical scenario, by which Mr. Owens might reach the pantheon of athletic hatedness occupied by such luminaries as John Rocker, Albert Belle, and Tommy Lasorda:
Week 9: A suspended Owens conducts interviews for reporters on the front lawn of his house in New Jersey. He exercises while fielding questions, but the journalists are disturbed when he exclusively does "girl push-ups".
Week 10: Despite Andy Reid‛s wife, five children and strong Mormon faith, Owens alleges that the Eagles coach is a homosexual. After the Eagles defeat the Giants at home, 27-13, Owens says, "I just think if a man was sexually attracted to women, and not men, he‛d call a few more deep passes." Fans are horrified, not because of T.O.‛s rampant homophobia, but because, for the briefest of moments, they had to imagine Andy Reid having sex.
Week 11: In a goodwill gesture, Owens invites quarterback Donovan McNabband the Eagles offensive linemen to have dinner at a fancy restaurant. This backfires when it comes time to pay. Though it‛s his treat, T.O. "alligator arms" the check, failing to pick up the crucial tab. Observers comment that it looks like Owens feared the harsh contact with his bank account. A disgusted McNabb puts it on his credit card.
Week 12: Terrell expresses his belief that the Saints should move away from New Orleans on a permanent basis. "Clearly, San Antonio has a much more promising metropolitan area, not to mention a larger television market," says Owens. "At some point, the NFL is going to have to put aside sentimentality and a misguided sense of loyalty to the Gulf region, and do what is best for both the franchise and the league as a whole. Also, I heard Deuce McAllister likes to wear women‛s underwear."
Week 13: Terrell modifies his usual pre-game outfit by adding a codpiece to his white, skin-tight Lycra bodysuit. He also demands that reporters begin to accent the second syllable of his first name instead and refer to Andy Reid as "the greatest Pro Bowl coach of all time."
Week 14: After a road victory over the Rams, Owens departs from his usual practice of ripping teammates and coaches, and begins to criticize historical figures. In his most controversial statement, Owens declares that,"if Brett Favre had been leading the Civil Rights Movement, we‛d have probably had a black president by now." Owens later insists that he had never criticized Martin Luther King, Jr. by name, and that his quote had been taken out of context. Then he calls Mother Theresa a "lying whore".
Week 15: When placekicker David Akers reinjures his hamstring during a crucial game against Arizona, T.O. comes in and misses two PATS. The Eagles eventually lose by a single point, 20-19. T.O. calls the injured hamstring a "stupid little fairy".
Week 16: The Eagles lose their final game and barely miss out on a playoff spot. After the game, Owens demands a contract extension and signing bonus. As his teammates dejectedly clean out their lockers, Owens demonstrates his entire repertoire of unused touchdown celebration dances, all of which are suspiciously similar to the Electric Slide. Hours later, T.O. is arrested while defecating into the Liberty Bell.