where? right in the crotch

New Cheers for Cal

My first memory of the Big Game was sitting with my little sister in the stands at Stanford Stadium. Even though we were surrounded by Cardinal fans in ugly maroon sweatshirts, we were undaunted. My sister even made up her own cheer that had a beautiful simplicity to it. It went: "Get. The Ball, Bears. Kick 'em in the crotch." It's remarkably effective, especially when the person leading the chant is five years old. You can try it at home, watching the game. "Get. The ball, Bears. Kick 'em in the crotch!"

It works in place of many standard Berkeley cheers:

Students: Hey alumni! Kick 'em!
Alumni: In the crotch!
Students: Kick 'em!
Alumni: In the crotch!

There's "Kick 'em in the crotch you bears". There's "You know it. You tell the story. You tell the Bears to get the ball and then kick 'em in the crotch." And, of course, "Give' em the axe, the axe, the axe. Where? Right in the crotch, the crotch, the crotch." Unfortunately, you really aren't allowed to kick the other team in the crotch, as much as they might deserve it.

A Short Play About Joe Ayoob

(JOE AYOOB is sitting at his desk, distraught over his poor quarterback play. He balls up a piece of paper and throws it fifteen feet past a wastebasket sitting roughly four feet away from him. He balls up another piece of paper and tries another toss, this one landing two feet short of its target. AYOOB sighs. There is a knock at the door.)

AYOOB: Come in.

(Offensive lineman RYAN O'CALLAGHAN enters. AYOOB raises a whiskey bottle, but misses his mouth.)

O'CALLAGHAN: Pull yourself together, Joe! We need you this Saturday!

AYOOB: What's the use? I got benched. I can't complete a pass to save my life, and I single-handedly ruined this season for Cal. I'm worthless.

O'CALLAGHAN: You're not worthless. No one on this team is worthless, Joe. Sure, you've had some tough stretches, and, sure you cost us the games agaisnt Oregon and Oregon State, and sure, no one's buying that "dyslexia" excuse, but would this team be the same without that Joe Ayoob smile every day in practice? That Joe Ayoob laugh? That Joe Ayoob tackle on interception returns? No way.

(AYOOB sighs)

AYOOB: You're right, Ryan. You're always right.

O'CALLAGHAN: Let's go out there on Saturday and beat those lousy Stanford guys.

(O'CALLAGHAN tries to high-five AYOOB, but AYOOB slaps himself in the face. O'CALLAGHAN grabs AYOOB's hand and guides it into his own for the successful high-five.)

BOTH: Stanford sucks!

O'CALLAGHAN: OK, I'll meet you at the Bonfire Rally. (O'CALLAGHAN walks to the door, and pauses.) Joe, it smells like you've been drinking. Want to toss me your keys?

(AYOOB goes into a crouch, springs up, and sets to throw his keys to O'CALLAGHAN.)

O'CALLAGHAN: Wait! (AYOOB fumbles his keys onto the ground.) On second thought, hand those keys to Marshawn instead.

Comparing the Alumni

Stanford has Tiger Woods, the most boring professional athlete in history. Cal has Chunk from The Goonies, the inventor of the Truffle Shuffle. Stanford has Chelsea Clinton. Cal has Jerry Mathers, The Beaver. And on Saved By the Bell, Zack Morris got recruited by "Stansbury", the fictional version of Stanford, but he and Screech, and Slater, and even Kelly Kapowski, decided to go to California University, the fictional version of Cal, instead. And you know who advised him to go to Stansbury? That's right. Mr. Belding.

A Short Play About Jeff Tedford (JEFF TEDFORD is talking on the phone with AARON RODGERS)

TEDFORD: I just wish we still had you here, Aaron. I can't help but think this whole season would have been so different. I mean, do you know what it's like, every week, to have to sit there and watch your quarterback cost you your chance to win? Wild throws, poor decisions, interceptions, fumbles - he's killing us! Seriously, Aaron, can you imagine that?

RODGERS: Um, yeah, Coach. I back up Brett Favre.

TEDFORD: Oh. Right.

:

TEDFORD: In that game against Cincinnati, how far --

RODGERS: Four yards past the line of scrimmage. At least.

TEDFORD: Has he ever thrown an interception while diving out of bounds?

RODGERS: No, but we've got six games left.

TEDFORD: Maybe Joe Ayoob is just a gunslinger.

RODGERS: That's exactly what he is. He's a gunslinger.