The more I think about the quail hunt incident, the more I realize that Vice President Dick Cheney is just an ordinary guy. Not so much an ordinary guy like me or you, the Zembla readers, but more like one of the clients at my unnamed legal defense firm. After all, isn't the phrase "oil company cronies" roughly analogous to "criminal associates"? I think it is. But the similarities between Dick Cheney and the average indigent, incarcerated client represented by our firm don't end there.
- Cheney claims to have had "one beer" before his hunting accident. According to one attorney I spoke with, roughly 40% of our clients claim to have consumed just "one beer" before committing their offenses.
- Both the vice president and the majority of our clients are surrounded by heavily armed guards at all times. However, Cheney's guards rarely if ever shoot at him or beat him with billy clubs.
- In crisis situations, Cheney is removed to an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Our clients are locked down in their cells during times of racial tension or riots. It is probably equally difficult to locate or communicate with either our clients or the vice president in these situations.
- Their mail is opened and thoroughly searched by guards. Sometimes the letters even contain illicit white powder, though Cheney is more likely to get anthrax than cocaine.
- Before the 2000 election, some opponents claimed it was illegal that Cheney changed his official residence, from Texas to Wyoming, after he was selected as the vice presidential nominee. We have many clients who ran into trouble because of their addresses - failing to inform probation officers of their moves, registering with local police departments too late, not having an address due to homelessness - and many of their opponents (local prosecutors) have claimed such actions were illegal. I wonder if it would work if more of our clients argued the issue of residency with the "vacation home" defense.
- Cheney shot an old man in the face with a shotgun. Our clients...actually, the majority of our clients are in jail for drug-related offenses or property crimes. So I guess Cheney and our clients aren't that much alike.