April 09, 2006
a keane family wedding, part 2: being a licensed minister
After the issue of setting a date for the wedding, there was another pressing question for the couple-to-be. Would they get married in a church? My parents are Catholic, but don't really attend church. The bride- and groom-to-be are much less Catholic, and never go to church. I say that opens the door for a fully-licensed, reasonably-priced minister to step in.

Thanks to the Universal Life Church, I am an ordained minister, legally empowered to perform wedding ceremonies in the state of California. Some licensed ministers officiate weddings, but I perform them. I did a wedding last year, and the happy couple is not divorced at all! Not one bit divorced! Clearly I am an excellent minister.

In a way, I feel like I have been moving toward ministerial ordination my whole life. Even before I ever heard of the Universal Life Church, I could see myself standing in front of an audience, talking and talking, forcing them to listen, and not letting them kiss until I was done talking. It's fate. I'm basically a pre-ordained minister.

But being a licensed minister is not all online registration and weddings. With minor power comes great responsibility. For example, if I say, "Bless you" after someone sneezes, it means that they are literally, legally bound for heaven. I have to watch my language so I don't accidentally consecrate excrement. I am allowed to hold a baby-naming ceremony, and I can also rename babies who already have names, if I think their existing names are ill-fitting. I get to say, "By the power vested in me", which is a phrase only available to members of the clergy and managers at the North Face Outlet.

To answer questions and eliminate confusion, here is a guide to what a licensed minister can and cannot do:


Bless us Oh Lord in these thy gifts which we are about to receive

from thy bounty through Christ our Lord

 No
Good veggies, good meat, Good God, let's eat Yes
Performing a wedding Yes
Performing magic No
Performing black magic No
Performing at Ozzfest as Minister of War No
Naming babies Yes
Naming puppies and kittens Yes
Naming the US Presidents in order Yes
Straight marriage Yes
Gay marriages Yes
Marriages to the sea No
The marriage of a man to his fruit salad No

Posted by sean at April 09, 2006 10:45 PM | TrackBack
Comments

who married pee wee to his waffles that one time, do you remember? I think it was chairy. was chairy authorized to do this? just what IS our children learning by watching the playhouse?

Posted by: didofoot on April 13, 2006 03:30 AM

marriage to the sea! i'm imagining the selkie voice, kristen.

Posted by: michele on April 13, 2006 10:30 AM

Pee-Wee married his fruit salad, but I don't know who presided over the ceremony. It might have been Conky the Robot, though I don't know how he had any legal authority to do so. Of the Playhouse gang, Captain Carl would have been legally entitled to perform weddings *at* sea, or *to* the sea, but his legal officiant status for a land wedding to fruit salad is unclear.

Posted by: sean on April 13, 2006 01:09 PM

damn it, you're right sean. i could have sworn it was waffles, i have a strong memory of a puppet waffles proclaiming its love for pee wee.

is it possible there was a pee wee knockoff show where the faux pee wee (perhaps refered to as tee hee) did marry waffles? it might have come out of japan. we must find out. michele, see to it. if it helps, try to cross reference 'talking waffles' with 'animals who change gender and/or species when they fall in the water.'

Posted by: didofoot on April 14, 2006 09:15 AM

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