why i am not afraid of the mummy

I'm not gonna lie. There are plenty of monsters of whom I am afraid. But The Mummy is not one of them.

First of all, since he's a dead Egyptian priest, or pharaoh, he can't be that tall. I'm thinking 5'2", 5'3", tops. That's about four feet shorter than Frankenstein, eighteen inches below Count Dracula.

Dracula can turn into a bat. The Wolfman is a wolf. The Mummy's got lots of scarabs. Tiny scarab beetles. Oh, but the beetles are sacred, you say? They might be sacred, but I sure ain't scared of them. That's right, Mummy. I dissed you with an anagram.

I can't imagine being truly intimidated by the Mummy. So powerful and versatile - how will I ever find a weakness? Oh, right, the tattered ancient bandages wrapped around his millenium-old undead body. The all-powerful Mummy can be stopped by nothing short of a Bic lighter, or perhaps a Vornado.

Man, do you think his sarcophagus smells like shit or what?

The main reason that I am not afraid of The Mummy is that I have never looted a tomb, never paid someone to loot a tomb, never purchased sacramental canopic jars on the archaeological black market. And I carry a Zippo everywhere, for you can never be too careful.