on emotions


So I'm not really someone who generally shows a great deal of emotions. Some might say I'm "repressed," or "out of touch with my feelings," or that I "use humor as a defense mechanism" and "never relate to anyone on a personal level beyond small talk and sarcasm." Anyway, for whatever reason, for better or worse, for pete's sake, Im just not the most outward fellow.

Until last Friday, when I cried for no real reason, for the first time in months. It was a real decent cry at that, with red eyes and bawling and sniffles and pillow-clutching. The whole nine yards of wallow. And, frankly, the cathartic effect was pretty minimal. I don't feel any more emotionally healthy, or spiritually cleansed, or more able to sleep more than four concurrent hours. But it appears that the floodgates are now open.

Currently, I feel like I'm always the right fifteen seconds away from bursting into tears randomly. I don't feel generally sadder; it's just that the trigger has been closer to the surface. I cried while singing along to Michael Penn's "No Myth" on the radio in my car. I woke crying after a really vivid dream about my mom dying in surgery. I cried reading this. I almost started weeping while making falafel. I even found myself sniffling at the end of the third Harry Potter book, which disturbed my fellow AC Transit passengers. It was probably better that I didn't try to explain: "It's just that Harry (sniff) gets the dementors with the (sniff) patronus of a stag and he learns his dad could change into (nose blow) a stag and then Dumbledore tells him... (uncontrolled weeping) ."

I don't exactly know what's next. Perhaps it's SAD, and it will go away as it gets warmer and lighter. Perhaps it's due to the sub-arctic temperatures in our apartment that's weakened my body's natural defenses against bawling. The heater being repaired may be the only thing that will keep me from spending the next few evenings on the couch watching "Steel Magnolias," devouring chocolate ice cream, and sobbing.


jeez man, i nearly cried reading michelle's story too.

have you tried 'pyramid landing', by the marbles? (the former band of rob schneider of the apples in stereo)

taking mushrooms with boback in guatemala i got very sad, and began crying uncontrollably listening to tori amos sing 'a case of you' followed by 'butterfly'. boback temporarily looked away from the giant floating teletubbies in lake atitlan and noticed me sobbing. and he gave me 'pyramid landing' to listen to, with the assurance that 'nobody cries during pyramid landing.' and he was right.

(the favored back-up option still remains of course, david bowie's time-honored, 'the laughing gnome'. that hysterical laughing-while-crying thing is also totally acceptable, don't let anyone tell you otherwise)

i love you, sean(e).

and i cried at the end of HP3 too.

nice going, michele, servant of sadness. dark angel of despair. witch of woe. mistress of misery. you're cute though, and thank god for that.

sean(e): sorry you're sad. at least you can blame it on michele, the doge of depression.

may i suggest rage instead of sadness? it's much more satisfying. it has a distinct externalization factor that's sorely lacking in misery. sadness forces you to confront your own weaknesses. anger lets you blame them on someone else.

or you could just ask out cute asian girls. that works too. go sean, get your (c)game on.

Thanks for the recommendations, Allen. I haven't heard "Pyramid Landing," so I opted for The Minders. It's also very difficult not to smile while listening to "Hand Me Downs."

"The Laughing Gnome" was even better. O, Allen, *gnome* gusta llorar... muchas gracias.

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on December 9, 2002 8:52 AM.

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