klown kollege, or how i learned to stop worrying and love getting shot out of a cannon


Now that I have nearly completed my college education, I've been thinking of how college life is depicted in the movies. I would like to see a movie about clown college. It would follow the same setup as "Animal House" or "PCU" or even "Old School". There would be a clown fraternity, full of all kinds of misfit clowns that banded together. Maybe you'd have the sad clown that couldn't stop laughing, or the clown who drove a big SUV, so it wasn't impressive at all when ten or twelve people piled into that car. There would also have to be some rival clown fraternities, like one full of rich clowns, or even one filled with members of the Insane Clown Posse.

The problem I would find in this story is that, traditionally, the underdog fraternity clashes with its rival fraternity and the dean through a series of hilarious pranks and wild behavior. However, this movie would take place at clown college. Pranks and wacky behavior would be de rigeur at such an institution. So, I think the way the clown heroes of this story would react would be through Gandhi-style passive resistance.

Picture it. The dean sprays a bottle of seltzer at our hero, Chuckles. Chuckles turns the other cheek. The mean clowns from the rival fraternity throw whipped cream pies at our heroes, and they respond by circulating a petition, and organizing a boycott of the traditional Clown Carnival. There would be a tense scene where the clowns link arms and sit in protest, as clown college security guards approach menacingly on unicycles.

The climax would come when the underdog fraternity is faced with the prospect of being kicked off campus. The school agrees to let them stay, if they can win an elaborate contest against all the other clown fraternities, a seemingly impossible task. We watch as our clowns train on trampolines and tightropes, as they work on gymnastics and also human pyramids. The clown gym is crowded, but a surprising number manage to fit themselves on a single elliptical trainer.

Finally, the big day comes when our clowns step up to the challenge. They've prepared, but it still seems impossible that they'll prevail. Suddenly, just as the competition is about to begin, the underdog clowns' attorney approaches. He's got an injunction, preventing the clown college from removing the fraternity. The dean gets agitated and stomps on the legal paperwork with his comically-oversized shoes, but the clowns are safe! They celebrate, as the soundtrack kicks in with Billy Ocean's "Get Out Of My Dreams (And Into My Car)". The credits roll over footage of the clowns exercising at the gym and quietly reading books about circus theory.


if farasati can get a movie about rock-paper-scissors made, you can do this, sean.

and considering the topic of your film, your pretending to wet yourself during your pitch should be much more effective than when adam did it in front of *his* studio execs. though possibly, given that this would have been more important to him than a high school leadership position, he has moved up to pretending to shit himself now.

p.s. i see julia stiles in the role of the overly-intellectual girl clown who learns to be both hot and ridiculous when she finally dons a skimpy clown outfit and embraces the irrationality of banana cream pies. though julia stiles herself is in no way hot or intellectual.

i vote alicia silverstone over julia stiles. they're practically interchangeable--both being blond--but a.s. has the benefit of being hotter.

also, i like how you used adam's first name and i used his last name and soon he'll google himself, find this page, ask sean if he's married with kids yet, and then demand to have his name removed from the site. just like he did to me that one time.

If Julia Stiles was in it, she'd have to have a controversial relationship with an African-American clown, and her character's name would be "Cordelia", or "Falstaff".

Alicia Silverstone is indeed hotter.

actually, CH is sort of an underdog clown fraternity. it's only a matter of time before someone gets pantsed over at snoqualmie's free will discussion.

I'd like to make a nomination.

Is Julia Stiles that deformed girl from the movie about stuffy British people and freewheelin' American commerce?

And isn't Alicia Silverstone dead?

By the way, do we still nod for posts we like? If so, three strong nods for content and one bonus nod for not being about baseball.

julia stiles is in many terrible teen "shakespeare adaptations," and also in the bourne identity and the bourne supremacy as the supremely useless office girl whose entire function in the films is to complain and then to cry.

alicia silverstone isn't dead, just her career. unless sean has something to say about it...clueless 2: klownless!

Dad: "What is that?"
Cher: "A red plastic nose."
Dad: "Says who?"
Cher: "Calvin Klown."

As luck would have it, I DID google myself in one of my daily fits of ego maniacism, and DO want to know if Sean is married and/or has kids. This page looks to be a couple months old so no one will read this I guess. Alas.

P.S. I pretended to jerk off for the studio execs.

atta boy, arf.

sean and michele have two lovely children, a golden retriever, and a double mortgage.

sean, i want a third child (we need to aim for 5). also a cat (possibly 5).

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on June 7, 2005 11:12 PM.

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