history's greatest speeches, as delivered by the cal mic man

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After losing at Tennessee, the University of California's football team rebounded with a victory over the Minnesota Golden Gophers last Saturday. The team looks to be well on their way to another 9-3 season, culminating in a blowout loss to Nebraska in the Holiday Bowl. I can't wait.

I was at the Minnesota game, enjoying the offensive dominance and festive atmosphere. What I did not enjoy was the Mic Man. For those of you unfamiliar with Cal football, the Mic Man is a designated dork from the Rally Committee. He stands in front of the student section in a shirt and tie, leading cheers, making bad jokes, and receiving the loathing of the entire stadium. I hate the Mic Man and so does everyone else.

In honor of Cal's big game this weekend against perennial (women's soccer volleyball) powerhouse Portland State, here is a selection of history's greatest speeches, as delivered by the Mic Man:

Patrick Henry

All right, the Virginia Militia needs us. Let's make some noise, First Continental Congress! Hey Alumni! Liberty!
Gooooooo Sons of Virginia!

John F. Kennedy

Let the Russians hear it in East Berlin. Ich bin ein Berlinner. You know it, you tell the story, you tell the whole damn world this is NATO territory!

Martin Luther King

First down Bears! First down Bears! Thank God almighty, it's a First Down, Bears!

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Gimme an F!
Gimme an E!
Gimme an A!
Gimme an R!
What's that spell?
What do we have to fear?
What's the only thing we have to fear?
Who's gonna win?
Gooooooo Fear!

Henry V

Make some noise, Agincourt! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! St. Crispin's Day! Ohhhhhh! We few! We happy few! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Come on! Ohhhhhh!

Jonathan Edwards

The wrath of God burns against them, their damnation does not slumber. The pit is prepared, the fire is made ready, the furnace is now hot, ready to receive them. The flames do now rage and glow - oh, sinner, take off that red shirt!

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that was wonderful sean. i'd like to see it in hard print form.

University of Portland is the women's powerhouse. Not Portland State. Get it right, dumb ass.

Womens' soccer powerhouse is, unfortunately, not PSU; it's the University of Portland...

Where do you people come from? Do you google "Portland State soccer powerhouse," just itching for someone to argue with?

The commenters are right. Portland is the women's soccer powerhouse, while Portland State is known for producing NFL quarterback Neil Lomax and excelling in women's volleyball. The entry has been corrected.

I'm thinking about saying something mean about you on the penny arcade forums, sean. why should holohan have all the fun.

I didn't even know Portland was a state.

Anyway, this was excellent.

(Note to self: Do not misspeak in front of Portland State fans. Do not taunt happy fun ball.)

"Make some noise, Agincourt!" is the funniest thing I've seen all day. OK, second funniest after Brady Quinn set to the Benny Hill music.

I would just point out that the Mic Men have nothing to do and are in no way connected with the Rally Committee. They are completely separate entities.

True, in the past, many active Rally Committee members have gone on to be Mic Men. However, that is the only connection. I would note that the best Mic Men have come from the Rally Committee - Kate, Chad (Head Mic Man during 1-10 season), and Chris Lilla (tall blonde guy, last season in 2000, MC for Funzone before football games today).

Is'nt there a late night Dr Who marathon on somewhere,ooo I think I hear your Dungeons and Dragons game calling it's saying pick up some yoohoo and acne cream on your way over

Mic Man, is that you?!

wow, after reading that, why is he not replaced?

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