What to look for in the Super Bowl

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1. Homoeroticism

As discussed in this space in the past, Phil Simms and Jim Nantz are the most homoerotic announcing team in sports. Nantz is unnaturally calm and emotionless, so the most interesting moments will happen when he and Simms discuss a player's physique, or gently spar about each other's sartorial choices. There's something magical when Nantz's yuppie blandness and Simms's aw-shucks country-boy drawl combine to straight-facedly discuss the "deepest penetration of the night" or overuse the word "backside".

Player names that sound dirty: Brian Griese, John Tait, Adewale Ogunleye. ("Ogunleye" means Iron God).

2. Family members in the crowd

Peyton Manning's father is former NFL quarterback Archie Manning. If this game was on FOX, we'd be seeing him every ten minutes, from progressively closer camera angles. If Indianapolis were to put together a fourth-quarter drive, the FOX cameras would alternate between images of praying Colts fans and zoomed-in shots of Archie's nose hair, breaking away only milliseconds before the snap of the ball. Since it's on CBS, we'll see more measured use of the relative shot, but we should see Archie at least once per quarter.

The most notable Bear relative is backup QB Bran Griese's dad, a former QB for the Miami Dolphins. Two factors will prevent us from seeing much of Dad Griese: Unless Rex Grossman gets hurt, Brian won't play; and Dad works for ABC. It would be interesting if they chose to show any of Brian Urlacher's illegitimate children in the crowd.

3. Name puns

If Peyton Manning is intercepted by Bears cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr., Simms might actually spit up with excitement. Same name! If Ricky Manning, Jr. then lateraled the ball to safety Danieal Manning, Joe Buck might have a mild aneurysm, so great would his frustration be at missing the chance to shout, "Manning...to Manning...to Manning! That was a disgusting act!"

Other ones to look for:

Jeff Saturday recovers a fumble in the end zone: "This year for Indianapolis, they'll remember Super Bowl Saturday".

Hunter Hillenmayer forces a fumble: "The Bears defense thrives on turnovers, and he was certainly hunting for one there."

Anthony "Booger" MacFarland intercepts a pass: "Booger MacFarland with the pick!"

Cedric Benson is stopped short of a first down: "The doorbell rings, and Benson says, 'You want me to get that...?'"

Israel Odinije makes a tackle: "If he keeps making plays like that, Indianapolis will have to recognize Israel's right to exist."

Cato June's pants come off as he runs to the sidelines: "June is busting out all over!"

Rex Grossman starts dry-humping a Colts cheerleader on the sideline: "That is gross, man."

4. There will be endless pre-game discussion of "The Super Bowl Shuffle", the rap song recorded by the 1985 Bears prior to their lone Super Bowl triumph. To date, that is still the only musical performance by a sports team to be nominated for a Grammy (for Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group). The Bears did not dominate the Grammy Awards like they dominated the Patriots. "The Super Bowl Shuffle" lost out to "Kiss", recorded by none other than halftime performer Prince.

5. Prince performing at the halftime show after writing "WHORE" on his cheek.

6. Funny commercials! I do wonder what Bud Light has in store for us this year! And Pepsi is sure to spend a great deal of money on a dorky ad campaign, ideally with a bunch of dorky celebrities, and maybe also a talking animal. My one hope for the Super Bowl ads is that the My super Proposal guy gets shot down. Because I am mean and heartless. But also because he has already signed a deal with a marketing company to imemdiately put his girlfriend's reaction shot up on YouTube. If she rejects him, it may be the greatest, most painful viral video of all time. Just say no, His Super Girlfriend.

7. Colts by 10.

1 Comment

I like that you included a reference to the ancient TV series SOAP in this post. A little something for everyone, even me.

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on February 4, 2007 12:07 PM.

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