a seventh-grade bully recaps the nba weekend

It was a thrilling weekend of NBA playoff basketball. At Zembla, we've commissioned a mean twelve-year-old to comment on all the exciting series. He's in seventh grade and he's really pretty cruel - I started to cry twice just talking to him about the article, after making fun of my personal appearance and kicking me in the shins. Anyway, here it is:

A Seventh-Grade Bully Recaps the NBA Weekend

Golden State vs. Dallas

Look who lost two games in Oakland. It's "Dork" Nowitzki. I call him that because he's a dork. Yeah, I called you "Dork". What are you gonna do about it, Dork? Shoot a meaningless three when you're down five points? Or pass to your jerk friend Jerky Stackhouse? Dork.

Chicago vs. Miami

Congratulations, Miami, on another title: the championship of sucking. It was a sweep! If Alonzo Mourning doesn't retire after the season, maybe he can get a victory transplant.

New Jersey vs. Toronto

Toronto should go ahead and change their name to the Craptors, because that's what they play like. Crap-covered dinosaurs. If a real raptor saw Game 4, he'd be so disappointed, he'd try to eat T.J. Ford. Then Jason Kidd would hit the raptor with a cookie, and later buy the raptor some expensive jewelry to apologize.

Utah vs. Houston

"Tracy" is a girl's name, and Andrei Kirilenko is a crybaby.

Cleveland vs. Washington:

Why are you hitting yourself, Washington? Why are you hitting yourself? I'm not doing anything, but your whole team is still all hurt. Why are you hitting yourself? I didn't even watch this series, because LeBron James only plays LeBoring Games.

San Antonio vs. Denver

I think George Karl might have caught strategy cancer. Or butt cancer again.

Phoenix vs. Los Angeles

Way to go, Kobe Bryant! TNT named you "The Closer" of Game 4. The Closer premiering June 18th on TN...wait, I'm sorry. They actually named you "The Loser" of Game 4. The Loser is premiering...never, but I have a feeling the season finale is going to be set in Phoenix.

This blog sucks balls, fat boy.

(Editor's note: So mean!)

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on April 30, 2007 8:31 PM.

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