the most responsible alcoholic blackout of all time

I went out last night after my show and I drank too much. Actually, it wasn't a matter of alcoholic consumption as much as it was my lack of dinner that screwed me up, but nevertheless, I was plowed. When I woke up this morning, I didn't remember anything after leaving the party and waiting for the bus. So I decided to examine the evidence.

My ever-present notebook was no help at all. My scrawled notes are all about the Warriors-Jazz series and free-throw shooting, proving that excessive amounts of gin only increase my nerdiness. Only one note is different, and hopefully something I did not say out loud:

"'Juice' - Gatorade plastic container vs. anti-Semitic 'Jews'".

Yeah, that one is definitely going into my act. It's got a lot of promise, particularly if I ever performa in front of an audience of athletically-minded white supremacists. Also? Gatorade is not juice.

A quick perusal of my surroundings yielded further clues. I had slept under only my comforter, not the sheets. That's because I made the bed after staggering home, and apparently Drunken Sean didn't want to ruin his (admittedly excellent) bedsmanship. It's like alcohol awakened a commitment to hospital corners that I never knew I had.

Moving further into the apartment, I saw more damning evidence of my drunken tomfoolery. The dish drainer was full of clean pots and pans, which I must have washed around 2:30. I left them to air dry, like a true rebel. There was also a pile of empty plastic bags and a receipt. Yes, in my drunken stupor, I'd gone to Safeway. And what did I buy? Apples, zucchini, carrots, and bananas. And microwave popcorn, but it was the light kind. I even used a coupon that saved me $4.

I don't feel good about drinking to such excess, but at the same time, I'm pleased to have gotten so much done. Perhaps sobriety is what's been holding me back all these years. I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon at Harrington's, downing Irish car bombs while balancing my checkbook, studying linguistics, and making a shoebox diorama of the Eschaton scene from Infinite Jest.


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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on May 12, 2007 2:29 PM.

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