jesus gives up on the rockies

After they've gone down 3-0 in the World Series, even Jesus Christ has given up on the Colorado Rockies. The Rockies are an organization guided by Christianity, and some have taken the team's remarkable performance through the end of the season and playoffs as proof of their divine blessing. But the win streak has ended in the World Series, leading some to wonder if Jesus no longer blesses the Rockies. According to our exclusive interview with the Messiah, that answer is yes.

Zembla: Jesus, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

Jesus: No problem. Love your work.

Thank you, Jesus! Now, is it accurate that you used to be a Colorado supporter?

Most definitely. No porn in the lockers, charity work from the team lots of prayer circles - really, what's not to like? I also appreciated their use of the humidor to dry out the baseballs, because otherwise, baseball at Coors Field is just ridiculous.

So what changed?

For one, it's their style of play. They can't lay down a simple sacrifice bunt. My father gave up his only begotten son, and they can't deliver on the simple act of sacrificing a runner one base?

You believe in little ball?

Not necessarily. But, you know, the Bible stresses patience and humility. The Rockies need to exhibit some plate discipline. Take some pitches. Ask themselves, What would I do?

So you're saying...?

Jesus walks.

Kanye West knew what he was talking about, then.

Heh. Hey, what's the difference between Me and Kanye?

What's that?

I don't think I'm Kanye West.

Good one, Lord. What do you think of the Rockies roster?

I like that they've got men of faith, but I thought they wanted to shape the roster in My image. If that's the case, how come the whole team is white? If they really studied the Bible all the time like they claim to, they should know Jesus was a black man.

I didn't realize You were black.

Come on, man. Do you know any white people named "Jesus"? I hung out with prostitutes, got hassled by the cops, and I was always poor. By the way, the new 11th Commandment is Stop Snitching. Don't take the thirty pieces of silver, guys. Anyway, the Rockies supposedly love me, so where are the brothers? Or the Jews?

Speaking of silver, do you think the Rockies are greedy?

Yes. They're trying to trademark the phrase "Rocktober". That phrase has been around for decades, including on many of My favorite hard rock stations. Honestly, this kind of cash grab is worse than the moneylenders in the temple.

Now, regarding the Boston series, did you make any prophecies?

Before the cock crows three times in the fifth inning, the Rockies bullpen will betray them seven times.

The game was out of reach at that point anyway, don't you think?

Hey, one team still managed to score a bunch of runs. Of course, they had a real DH.

Can you elaborate on that?

One of the commandments of baseball is, "Don't bet your designated hitter ninth." There's no one on the roster who can outhit Yorvit Torrealba? At their darkest hour, I delivered unto them Seth Smith - and now they've forsaken him.

In a 2006 article in USA Today, CEO Charlie Monfort said, "I think character-wise we're stronger than anyone in baseball. Christians, and what they've endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. I believe God sends signs, and we're seeing those." Your thoughts?

They missed a pretty obvious sign when we crashed the team website on Tuesday, right before World Series tickets went on sale. You're me-damn right it was an "act of God". I'm sick of the Rockies and so is Dad. You know, Charlie only got born again after he got a DUI. Like I'm not going to notice that.

Any final thoughts on the Series?

Yes. Any lack of support for the Rockies should not be taken as an endorsement of Curt Schilling in any way. Really, it's natural that I would find the Red Sox appealing, since I hate the Yankees.

If you changed your mind, could you deliver the victory to Colorado? After all, you raised Lazarus from the dead.

That was one guy. I'm supposed to revive 25 dead guys? Forget it.

Thank you, Jesus.

Sure thing. Peace be with you.


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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on October 28, 2007 10:50 AM.

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