stories about my sister megan, part 3: the doctor kit


This story was reconstructed from witness testimony, as I was too young to remember anything. My sister Megan and I were visiting Santa with our mom. This may have been the first time I had ever visited Santa Claus. I was two or three years old. Megan was three or four.

In line, I was full of chatter about meeting the big guy, what I would ask for, comments about reindeer, everything. "Well, I'm gonna thay, 'Hi Thanta, how aww you?' and then I'm gonna athk Thanta fo a twuck and..." I talked to Mom incessantly. Meanwhile, Megan reviewed the one important item on her Christmas list that year: a doctor kit. We were excited about meeting Santa, but we were basically pretty under control. Then we got to the man himself.

Mom brought me up to Santa and I froze immediately. I had been talking at the top of my lungs about my upcoming conversation with Santa for the past twenty minutes, but now, in the big guy's presence, I was silent. Not a single word. The twuck, forgotten. I just stared at Santa in silent terror.

Megan went to the opposite extreme. When asked what she wanted for Christmas, Megan hopped off of Santa's lap and began walking around in small circles, stiff-legged, chanting "Dockta kit, dockta kit, dockta kit" over and over again.

My mom stood there in shock. We had given no indication beforehand that we were going to react in this manner, but now she had to manage a semi-catatonic boy and his spastic sister. We were led out of the mall in disgrace.

Megan did receive the doctor kit on Christmas morning. And it was a really good toy.


Fucking Thanta Cwaus and his evil spells.

i have pictures of myself sitting on santa's lap, face all scrunched up and just BAWLING in complete fear. good times, those trips to see santa. good times.

I had a dr. kit once... I remember my girl-friend and I were playing doctor with it one day and as she leaned over to "listen to my heart" her gum fell in my hair. I had to cut my hair after that and, boy, was my dad mad. Please no lewd comments about playing doctor... we were like 6 years old, man.

kristina, when you set up the visual of someone listening to your heart, which is presumably in the general middle of your chest like everyone else's, and her gum ends up falling in your *hair*, you really beg some very offensive questions. but i'll restraing myself. i'll restraing myself like souter, kennedy and o'connor in an abortion rights decision.

also, sean's story reminds me a lot of that scene in _a christmas story_, which remains one of my top ten favorite comedies of all time. find a copy. you'll thank me for it.

oh. wait. you have long hair, that's right. see, when i first glanced at the name i thought it was kristen (even though she never uses her actual name), and by the time i started writing i knew which person i was talking to but for some reason the part of my brain that's responsible for hair length hadn't quite caught up. so your comment invites no offensive questions. damn my eyes.

You don't have to get a copy of A Christmas Story... it plays for like 24 hours during the holiday season on TNT or USA... or some crappy station like that...

I used to "play proctor" with neighborhood kids growing up. We'd find a private spot, make sure our parents weren't around, and time each other taking standardized tests. I guess it wasn't all that hot, though I still got gum in my hair a whole lot.

i used to play "gynecologist" with these two twins. it was pretty hot. we "pretended" to take pictures. let me tell you, i wasn't pretending.

(actually i was pretending--real camera but no film--so don't get too excited about the possibility of deciding if these twins were really identical. which, now that i think about it, was never one of the questions i was focusing on while playing with them. even though logically now i WOULD be curious. huh. ah hindsight.)

i used to play porn star when i was little. except i was nineteen and i got paid for it.

I think that the worst spanking of my life came when I was 9 years old. My friend James and I thought it would be a good idea to "show" each other our "parts" under the guise of playing doctor. Our parents didn't just find out about it either...they caught us in the act! I guess that's why I don't like going to the doctor...afraid of spankings ;)

"...except i was nineteen and i got paid for it."

Ha! uhha-ha hahuha! Hahmmm...Dido made a funny.

if i can shift the discussion from sex to violence for a moment, when i was in second grade the boys used to play "russians vs. americans" during recess. the way the game worked was you'd walk up to someone and say "are you a russian or an american?" and if they answered the opposite of what you were, you'd "shoot" them and they'd die. alternatively you could take them prisoner and "shackle" them to the fence.

players were free to pick whatever side they wanted. me, i'd always answer, "i'm a traitor!" and shoot the questioner, be he russian or american. my favorite thing to do was to "free" the "prisoners" by "shooting" their "shackles," and then "mow them all down anyway."

That's really hardcore for a 2nd grade game. Almost frighteningly so...

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on April 1, 2003 9:18 PM.

stories about my sister megan, part 2: when animals attack was the previous entry in this blog.

childhood jokes rewritten as commentary on war criminals, part 1 is the next entry in this blog.

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